Forbidden Planet
by shadoweddawn
Summary: Castle and Beckett's Forbidden Planet evening. Post Law and Murder. Will become AU. Idea from castlefanficprompts on tumblr.
1. Chapter 1

Hello all! I saw this idea on Castlefanficprompts on tumblr and decided to run with it, so thanks for the wonderful idea whoever submitted the prompt:) Set right after 3x19 Law and Murder and the Forbidden Planet evening and possibly going for a bit. Will be AU in the coming chapters :)

I own nothing except the words below. Andrew Marlowe and the creative geniuses of Castle deserve all the credit.

Reviews are much appreciated.

* * *

"I was thinking of sneaking off to the Angelica. Forbidden Planet's playing."

Richard Castle already thought Kate Beckett was amazing. Three years shadowing her had done nothing but confirm how extraordinary she was. Hearing her say she wanted to see Forbidden Planet? That just confirmed how perfect she was for _him_. He forced himself to keep his face neutral, playing it cool.

"Forbidden Planet? Is that the one with the robots?"

Beckett stopped midway through grabbing her coat. The always logical detective looked at him in awe for a moment, unsure of whether to believe him or not. Castle just stared at her, hoping his mother had been wrong all the times she told him he couldn't act.

"You've never seen Forbidden Planet?"

Castle could hear the shock in her voice and he was determined to play it out. _Hey, can't blame a guy for trying. Let's see how it goes._ He shrugged as he shifted the coat in his arms, letting his eyes linger on Beckett's for a minute before answering

"More of a Star Wars/Matrix guy myself."  
"Oh my gosh, Castle. This is the movie that inspired those two. That's it; I'm taking you, my treat."

He felt his pulse quicken at the thought of spending an entire evening alone in the company of Kate. Deciding to push his luck, see how serious she was, Castle said flippantly

"Oh no. No I have plans."

"No, not anymore."

As she leaned down to get the rest of her belongings, Castle couldn't stop the smirk that spread across his face. Forbidden Planet with Beckett? Castle couldn't imagine a more perfect evening. _Unless maybe it involves a taking Kate Beckett home with me._ He watched her as she gathered her things, admiring the grace with which she moved. Tall and lithe, Kate Beckett oozed sex appeal. He masked his thoughts quickly as she stood back up, smiling brilliantly at him. They walked towards the elevator as Castle asked

"Alright, well, can I have candy and popcorn?"

"Sure. Oh Castle you're going to love this. This was Leslie Neilsen before he became a comic genius."

He smiled briefly as he thought about saying similar words to Alexis just a few mornings ago. Seeing this fan-girl side to Beckett brought another smile to Castle's lips.

"Really?"

"Yeah."

He cast a glance her way, asking eagerly as they made their way out of the precinct, their home away from home

"Can we stop at Remy's for burgers after?"

"Now you're pushing it."

He followed her into the elevator, listening to her excitedly explain the plot to a move he'd seen probably 100 times. Castle clinched his fists in his pockets, forcing himself to keep from reaching for her hand. She talked animatedly, drawing another smile from Castle. Beckett, ever perceptive, cocked her head at him and asked sternly

"What are you smirking about?"

"Me, smirk? Why Beckett, you wound me."

She rolled her eyes and he just shrugged, his shoulders rolling back in his jacket. Castle saw her glance at him out of the corner of his eye, her eyebrow quirked as she waited for his truthful answer.

"I'm just excited, this movie sounds great. Right up my alley."

"I'm so surprised you haven't seen it."

They talked casually as they walked out of the door, their relationship and friendship easy now. While Castle had come to accept that he wanted more, for tonight he would settle being her friend. As they maneuvered their way through the hoards of people on a New York Friday night, Beckett cleared her throat and asked quietly

"So is everything okay with Alexis?"

Castle turned to look at her. She kept her eyes on the sidewalk in front of them but said gently, knowing she had his attention

"It seems like things turned out okay."

"I just hate she lied to me. She's supposed to be able to come to me for stuff."  
"Rick…" He felt his heart race when she used his first name. "She's a teenage girl. She's not always going to be the most forthcoming. Sometimes she has to figure things out on her own and then come to you later. She doesn't want to disappoint you."

"There's nothing she could do that would disappoint me."

Kate raised her eyebrows. Castle sighed heavily and admitted to the shops they were passing, turning his eyes from her. He didn't like to admit that Beckett was right.

"Okay, maybe you're right. I was pretty upset today. And she did the right thing, and she fixed what happened. I just worry about her."

"She's a great kid, Castle. Just give her some space. And don't ever do anything like that again. Alexis deserves better than you checking up on her. Plus, you're better than that. I know you worry about her, but you're a fantastic dad and she's really lucky to have you."

Castle stopped and stared at her, the full force of his feelings hitting him once again. He'd been lying to himself earlier about settling for just friendship. There was no denying he was in love with Kate Beckett. Hearing her talking about him being a good dad; it fueled his desire to be more for her. To be the best he could be. Then maybe she'd see Dr. Motorcycle Boy wasn't all he was cracked up to be, that she could have someone who wanted to be there for her and make it work and be the best version of himself for _her_. Kate touched his arm gently and said

"Hey, Castle. You okay?"

"Yeah, I'm good. I was just thinking about…"  
She raised her eyebrows, waiting for him to continue. Castle sighed and said softly, unable to say anything else but the truth.

"Thank you. It means a lot."

Kate nudged him with her shoulder, smiling up at him. Castle felt the familiar swooping sensation that he'd come to associate with any time Kate touched him. They continued on their trek a few blocks before Castle finally asked somewhat reluctantly

"So how are things with Josh?"

He heard the small sigh that escaped her lips. He let his eyes linger on her as they walked, side by side. She was beautiful, of course. Her hair framed her face-honey colored, long, and luxurious. Castle could picture running his fingers through it as they curled on up on the couch after a long day at the precinct. _If only that was his life._ He noticed the tension caused her shoulders to hunch. Castle pushed away the desire to reach for her, comfort her. He hated seeing that side to Kate-the side that said it was too much to bear, the part she kept hidden away from anyone except him. Kate finally shook her head, pushing her hair out of her face.

"Things are."

"That doesn't sound too promising."

"It's no big deal."

They walked in silence, both lost in their own thoughts. Finally, without preamble, Kate unloaded.

"I thought this was what I wanted, Castle. He's easy, you know? He doesn't expect too much and with my job I just thought it was better to date someone really busy too. But then eventually it catches up to you, you know? And then after we…well when I decided to give it a shot a few weeks ago, I thought it was what I wanted. Well I just want someone who is there. Someone who wants to-"

Beckett trailed off. They stood in front of the Angelica, mingling amongst the crowds. She turned her whole body towards Castle, meeting his eyes. How quickly he could get lost in her. Her eyes, the flecks of brown that mingled with the green. The way her chin tilted up in defiance. The way she pushed her hair behind her ear, giving her that extra second to collect her thoughts. Her stature, confident and sexy. Castle could spend all evening looking at her, talking to her, and it still wouldn't be long enough.

He _knew_ she was going to say something about them being locked in the freezer together, and still choosing to go back to Josh. Castle held his breath, his tension providing armor around his heart from her words. Kate surprised him, however, as she frequently did. She was a mystery to him in so many ways, one that Castle was quickly realizing he was never going to solve. She smiled brilliantly up at him and finally finished lamely

"Someone who wants to see Forbidden Planet with me."

The air burned with her admission. Castle kept his eyes trained on her, and had to hold back a moan when she snuck that bottom lip she loved to nip on between her teeth. How he'd love to run his tongue along it, soothing the bite marks. He finally forced himself to look away from her. Castle turned to the movie complex and spread his arms out wide, saying boldly

"Well, here we are. You said popcorn _and_ candy."

She graced him with an eye roll and Castle once again marveled over the fact that even when she was annoyed, Kate Beckett was the most stunningly beautiful woman he had ever known. He followed her through the doors of the theater, watching her walk with confidence. How did she not realize how wonderful she was? How did she not see she deserved better than that jerk that didn't notice her?

As they stood in line for tickets, Castle thought of everything they had been through in the past three years. Almost dying (several times), relationships (a few), hurt feelings, frustration, tenderness, honesty, loyalty, closeness. She was a part of him. Loving her was as simple as breathing to him now. He'd come to know her through Nikki Heat, but the real life version still kept him on his toes. Richard Castle was a man who needed to be kept on his toes. Beckett always kept him wanting, needing to know more.

Her voice brought him back to the present. She looked concerned, and he noticed the flicker of hurt that passed like a shadow through her eyes as she spoke.

"Castle? What is going on? That's the third time tonight you've zoned out on me. If you don't want to see the movie it's really-"

He shook his head and touched her shoulder gently, saying quietly

"I do want to. I'm sorry. I'm here, I promise. Always."

Kate blinked up at him. He saw the word affected her the same way it affected him. Castle remembered the first time a few weeks ago when he'd uttered the word without thought. She was wrapping his hand after he'd saved her life. Kate had looked at him and thanked him for having her back. He knew, in that moment, he would give anything to make her smile. To let her know he would be there. That she was stuck with him and that he wasn't going to let her go through her mother's murder alone anymore. To know she always had someone she could count on. The word had come so effortlessly, so naturally. Now Castle shifted on his feet, at a loss for words. This frequently happened around her, he noticed. He could never seem to say what he really needed to when it came to Kate. His mother's words resounded loudly in his mind. _For a man who makes his living with words, you sure have a hard time finding them when they count. _Castle took a deep breath and said in a rush, afraid to lose momentum

"Kate there's something-"

"How many?"

Castle flinched at the sound of someone intruding in their conversation. Kate stepped around him and up to the ticket booth, and Castle groaned at his misfortune. That had been standing in that line for 20 minutes, and now all the sudden it was their turn to get tickets? The universe hated him, Castle decided. Beckett turned to him, and Castle could feel the moment was gone. Kate handed him his ticket and said excitedly

"Okay, popcorn and candy. Then, the best night of your life is going to start."

Castle smiled at her back as they walked through the doors. She was wrong, he thought with a quick smirk. The best night of his life started when they walked out of the precinct.


	2. Chapter 2

I was on a roll with writing, so chapter 2 is going up as well :)

Thank you for taking the time to read, and as always reviews are greatly appreciated.

Thank you again.

* * *

It was cold by the time the movie ended. New York was a flurry of activity, as it always seemed to be. Kate Beckett pulled her jacket a little tighter, trying to ward off the wind. She faced Castle as they stood in the throng of people.

"Okay, moment of truth. What did you think?"

"Are you kidding? I loved it. You were right, Leslie Nielsen before anyone else knew what a true genius he was."

Kate grinned at him. She had known he would love it. _Quit playing along, you know he's seen it. _She only partially listened as Castle explained his favorite part. She was too busy thinking about the fact that Richard Castle had lied about seeing a movie so he could see it with her. She'd caught a glimpse of his smirk as they stepped into the elevator, his tell tale sign he was up to something.

She'd known for a while about Castle's feelings for her. She wasn't sure how deeply they ran, but she knew they were there. Esposito had mentioned something briefly the summer before when Kate had dated Demming. When Castle had left for the summer with Gina, she thought it was his way of saying he was moving on. She'd started dating Josh and when Castle had come back to the precinct they had found their rhythm again after a bit, but it was definitely just as friends.

Six weeks ago, things had changed. Beckett let her gaze drop down to his lips as he talked, and Beckett's mind flashed back to when they had kissed. _It was just a dumb idea_. All done to save Ryan and Esposito.

If she was honest with herself, Beckett spent more time thinking about that kiss than she probably should. It was her thought before bed some evenings, replaying it over and over with a small smile. The feel of Castle's hands on her, holding her against him. His lips seeking hers, his intensity drawing a small moan from Beckett.

Then, they'd almost died in the frozen storage container, and Beckett felt her words from that fateful day once again bubbling up. She had wanted to tell Castle how much she loved him-not just romantically (she was still trying to sort that out herself) but as a best friend, partner.

Still, they had never talked about it. They had continued this little dance, and Beckett had been grateful not to ruin anything between them.

Castle finally met her eyes. Kate saw the emotions dance across his face, his words not needed. It was obvious Castle enjoyed tonight. He enjoyed her company. He kept coming back; no matter how many times Kate pushed him away. He touched her arm with the tips of his fingers; Beckett could feel the heat spread through her despite the chill in the air.

"Thank you Kate. For tonight. I've had a good time."

She blew out the breath she was holding and nodded at him, her heart beginning to flutter in her chest. Beckett was afraid her voice would betray her thoughts. Thoughts of telling him how much she enjoyed time with him, how happy she was to see the way his eyes crinkled when he smiled at her. The flash of desire that shot through her when he looked at her, as if trying to see into her soul. She couldn't tell him any of that.

Beckett knew they should call it a night. She had a boyfriend (if that's what you call never seeing the person you're supposedly in a relationship with) and he had a family to get to. They were friends. They were _partners._ The word flashed through her mind automatically; Beckett had finally gotten to the point where she admitted it freely. The day they had been kicked off her mother's murder and he'd used _that _word; Kate knew there was no going back. There was no just shadowing anymore, he was in this for the long haul. Beckett just didn't want to do anything to mess that up-they worked so well together. Anything more would ruin it. Beckett knew it. She glanced down the street, the next words tumbling from her before she could stop them.

"You know, Remy's isn't far. That burger actually sounds pretty good. You interested?"

She could feel Castle's eyes on her, wondering what her words meant. Truthfully Kate didn't know herself. She just knew she wasn't ready for the evening to end. She wasn't ready for the feeling of happiness to disappear again, as it did every time she walked away from Castle. He finally answered the lingering question.

"Sounds great. You can get that chocolate shake you had your eye on last time but said you 'didn't need to get.'"

Kate felt the warmth spread through her as he recalled their previous visit to his favorite burger joint. They'd gone for a quick bite to eat before heading back to the precinct to continue working. They discussed the case-one of the rare 'boring murders' as Castle had called it that managed to find its way to Beckett's desk. They had ordered quickly and she had mentioned the idea of a milkshake, but quickly said that a late night of yoga would be necessary to work off the excess calories.

"You remember that?"

He raised his eyebrows at her; Kate could see he was wondering if she was serious. Castle finally said, like it was the most normal thing,

"I remember everything you say, Kate."

Kate felt her heart literally skip a beat. He didn't deny it, didn't try to change the subject. He just held her eyes, his blue ones swimming with unanswered questions and lingering suspicions. Questions about what tonight actually meant for them. Beckett finally cleared her throat and said stubbornly, using his technique of deflection

"Too bad it doesn't seem to stick when it comes to actual work."

"I do listen to you at work, I just can't help that my theories just generally tend to get us more information."

Kate rolled her eyes and felt some of the tension leave her body. Beckett wasn't ready to get into everything with Castle tonight. Her phone buzzed, drawing Kate attention from Castle's piercing blue eyes. Josh's name flashed on her screen, and Kate felt a sense of dread drop into her stomach. She hit the answer button and said quietly, turning her back to Castle.

"Hey…yeah, okay, I get it. Um, I think that would be good. We need to talk about some things. Yeah, I'll be there. 8:00. Okay, bye."

She hung up, shrugging helplessly to Castle. He had the decency to take a step back during her phone call, and she said softly

"Sorry, that was…"

"No need. Dinner?"

Kate saw the steel in his eyes, the determination he felt to continue their evening despite her taking a phone call from Josh. Beckett finally motioned to the street, pushing the tension away from their evening with her words.

"Let's hail a cab."

He quickly managed to snag a yellow taxi, holding open the door for her. Castle rattled off their destination before leaning back against the worn leather. He turned his eyes to her and said

"So how serious do you think Lanie and Esposito are?"

Kate laughed, crossing her arms over her chest as she leaned back as well. Beckett saw the playfulness in his gaze, his desire to get them back to Castle and Beckett evident. She snuck that bottom lip between her teeth, thinking of her answer.

"I'm not sure. I know it's been a few months. I just don't know if Lanie's looking to settle down. I think she likes the fun, and likes the excitement Espo brings. They seem to be doing pretty great."

"Yeah well, with Jenny and Ryan getting married I'm sure the topic is going to come up."

Beckett nodded, but remained quiet. She was too busy thinking about getting married, specifically recalling an image of Castle holding the ring Ryan had bought for Jenny between the two of them and asking offhandedly "will you marry me?" and the look that had passed between the two of them. She had told Castle once upon a time that she was a "one-and-done kind of girl." She thought briefly of Josh, feeling the now familiar angst beginning to settle in every time she thought of the doctor. Before she could really begin to question the feeling, the cab stopped and Castle rubbed his hands together excitedly.

"Nothing like a good cheeseburger."

They ate their meal in a comfortable silence, talking occasionally about work and Martha's acting studio that was in the process of being renovated. She briefly fought him on the shake, saying she'd be doing extra yoga sessions all week.

"I'd be happy to be your instructor."

Kate laughed, but her mind wandered to a completely different way to burn off calories with Richard Castle. Beckett felt the heat creep into her neck as he motioned for the waitress to bring their check. Kate pulled out her wallet as he did so, feeling Castle's eyes shift to her. Castle laid his hand on top of hers and said quietly

"You paid for the movie, let me pay for dinner."

His hand lingered on hers, and Beckett mashed down the desire to turn her hand over and link their fingers together. What the hell was the matter with her? She had a boyfriend.

_ Is he really a boyfriend? Or a crutch? Is he an escape from what I really want? _Beckett raised her eyes to Castle's. She saw his eyes darken slightly, his lips barely part. Kate finally slid her hand out from under his, murmuring her thanks and she placed her wallet back into her purse. He brushed off the moment with a nod before standing up and motioning to the outside they started in unison to her apartment, as if it was some unspoken agreement that he would walk her home. The silence stretched for a minute before Kate finally said, needing to hear the truth.

"So are you ever going to tell me how many times you've seen the movie?"

"Seen what movie?"

She cut her eyes to him. Castle scrunched his nose and squinted his eyes, saying guiltily

"You know about that?"

She stayed quiet, watching him out of the corner of her eye. Kate noticed how cute he was when he was flustered. She noticed the way Castle's eyebrows furrowed as he thought out his answer, trying to decide which would get him into less trouble. Kate saw his resolve, ready to deal with whatever Kate Beckett threw at him.

"I wanted to see the movie and wanted to spend time with you. I just didn't want it to seem…"

Castle trailed off, but as they neared her apartment building Kate asked him softly

"You didn't want it to seem what?"

"I just…Kate I don't know."

He turned to face her and she saw the doubts, the questions, and the fears written across his face. She turned into him, their eyes connecting. She felt the electric current that shifted between them as Castle studied her. Kate felt the tingling of desire build in her belly as he closed the distance between them. She opened her mouth to protest, but Castle shook his head and whispered

"This is about the only thing I do know."

Castle's lips found hers. She was immediately pulled back to their first kiss, that fateful day when she'd finally got to experience the pleasure of a Richard Castle kiss. Tonight was different. Tonight there was no pressure; no sense of making sure it was believable. Tonight was about passion, and truth, and desire. She could feel it as his tongue darted out and teased her lips apart. She moaned softly against him, allowing his tongue to collide with hers before reality set back in. Kate pulled away from him slightly, their breaths mingling as she whispered

"Castle, I can't."

He pressed his forehead against hers, replying in a strained voice as his emotions got the better of him.

"I know. I just need you to know where I stand. You deserve better Kate. You could be happy, but you keep hiding in these relationships with men you don't-"

He stopped suddenly, turning his head to bury his nose in her hair. She heard his sigh, felt his breath travel down her neck. Kate pulled away from him, needing to see his eyes. Needing to know what he was thinking. _With men you don't what? _ His assessment of her, always so accurate it seemed, hung between them. She bit her bottom lip and stepped away from his embrace, already missing his warmth as she said solemnly

"I should go. Thanks for tonight, it was nice. I'll…I'll see you later, Castle."

Beckett brushed past him and rushed into the apartment building. She didn't stop until she reached her door, struggling to fit the key into the lock with the tears that had begun to form. Kate closed the door harder than she meant to behind her, sinking down on the floor.

The silence was deafening. It even drowned out Kate's jumbled thoughts. She was all alone. Grabbing her phone, Kate dialed the number and ignored her pounding heart. He sounded weary when he answered the phone. She took a deep breath and dove right in.

"We need to talk."


	3. Chapter 3

Thank you all so much for the kind words and the follows and the favorites! Truly, from the bottom of my heart, I am grateful. Thank you for taking the time to read, and for any feedback. It is truly appreciated.

I'm not a fan of Josh. I think he served a purpose, but I think they could have wrapped that storyline up a little sooner. So this is my interpretation of that happening, as Beckett contemplates her evening with Castle. Enjoy.

Reviews are much appreciated.

* * *

Kate was pacing her in living room, a glass of wine completely forgotten about on the coffee table. Josh had said he would come over after his shift ended, and Kate had been on edge ever since.

She pressed her fingers to her lips, letting herself momentarily linger on the kiss she had shared with Castle just a few hours ago. Kate thought about their evening, and how quickly it had become more than just partners getting together after work. _Since when have you and Castle ever been just partners? _ Kate had spent the better part of the evening after getting home trying to decide what she and Castle were. Hell, she'd spent three years trying to figure that out.

A knock sounded on her door, pulling her thoughts back to the moment at hand. Kate crossed the apartment and pulled open the door, smiling tentatively at Josh as he peered around the edge.

"Hey."  
"Hey. I'm sorry I'm late, I stopped and got a bottle of wine."

He stepped into the apartment, neither addressing the elephant in the room right away. He moved into the kitchen and smiled at her, nodding at the glass he spotted on the coffee table.

"See you're already started."

He moved through the apartment effortlessly. Kate crossed her arms over her chest, watching his actions. She couldn't ignore the feeling that this was wrong. He didn't look like he fit here anymore. _Be honest Kate, since Castle was here weeks ago you haven't felt like Josh belonged in this space. _

"Josh there's something I-"

'You don't need to, Kate."

She raised her eyes to his. Josh was standing in the middle of her kitchen, his hands sliding into his front pockets as he stared at her. Kate noticed the resignation that passed through his eyes. She swallowed hard, taking a step towards him and asked

"I don't need to what?"

"This doesn't have to be some big goodbye, Kate. I know what I'm doing here. I thought that once I got here, I could show you how good we are together…but I can already see it in your eyes. You're done with this. Done with me."

"It's not like that."

He breathed out a chuckle, and Kate flinched at the sound. She could hear the hurt in his voice as he replied

"The hell it isn't. We've been fighting this for weeks, Kate. Since that day in the storage container. You made a choice that day, Kate. You chose me."

She felt the anger flare, her eyes narrowing to slits as she stared at him.

"You're right, I did make a choice. Because you didn't go to Haiti. Because you were there. But since then, nothing's changed. We're still right where we've been, with me wanting more and you being unavailable."

"Don't act like this is about my working. You're a police detective. I'm pretty sure you get called away more in the middle of the night than I do."

She felt the sting of his words, knowing they were probably true. She thought briefly of the fact that the last time she had left Josh, she'd been grateful for the call. Tonight leaving Castle had been a chore.

"I know that look, Kate. It's the same one you've had for weeks and I've been lying to myself saying that he was just a friend, just a partner. It's about Castle."

She wasn't ready to face that truth yet, wasn't ready to acknowledge that with him. Truthfully, tonight with Castle had just shown her what she'd known since that day when she chose to stay with Josh-that she was fighting a losing battle.

"It's not about him, Josh. It's about the fact that three weeks ago I mentioned going to see Forbidden Planet, and we had plans to go see it. And somehow, you always get called away. And I get being a surgeon, but I can't compete with that. And it's not just that. You never ask about how things are. We've been together almost a year, Josh. Yet you've never bothered to ask why I don't talk about my mother. You know she died, but you don't know anything about it. You don't know anything about my life outside of work."

"And whose fault is that? You don't share anything, Kate. You keep everything hidden away behind some wall that no one can get access to."

_Castle has access to it._ She stared at Josh, the truth hitting her as if she'd been slapped. Castle had scratched and clawed his way past every wall she had, determined not to let her live it alone. Kate took a deep breath and finally admitted what they both already knew.

"We're over, Josh. We've been over. You're right; we've been fighting it for weeks. And I'm done fighting."

He stared at her for a long minute before pushing off from her counter. Josh grabbed the jacket he had tossed on the nearest chair, holding it to his chest as he stopped beside her. The air between them was thick with tension, both reeling from their argument and break up. He wouldn't look at her, just kept his eyes straight ahead as he said bluntly

"Goodbye, Kate. Hopefully someday you find someone worth tearing those walls down for."

She stood rooted to the spot, his words echoing loudly in her head long after he'd gone. _Someone worth tearing those walls down for. _She thought back over the evening with Castle, how she wanted to open up to him and how he trusted her. How much faith she had already put in him; to have her back, to know her secrets, to protect her heart.

The small voice inside her head spoke up, drawing Kate's attention to the less appealing aspects of Castle. He was playboy; she'd known that for years. He'd always been chasing someone else or wanting something different, easy. Kate Beckett was complicated, she admitted that herself. Richard Castle didn't seem like the type to be looking for complicated. He preferred sex with crazy people because it was "unbelievable." Kate rolled her eyes as she walked across the apartment and grabbed her glass of wine, drinking half in one gulp. What the hell was she thinking?

She couldn't stop thinking about Castle's words when he'd walked her home. Kate said them out loud, needing to hear them again to try and make sense.

"You could be happy, but you keep hiding in relationship with men you don't…"

She couldn't stand it anymore, not knowing. Grabbing her keys and wallet, Kate grabbed her coat and hurried out of the apartment. Kate let herself get lost in thoughts of them, Castle and Beckett, as she walked. The way Castle smirked when he thought he fooled her about the movie. The way he'd called her out on the shake, saying he remembered everything she said. The way he'd kissed her, tenderly and beautifully, his emotions evident. She felt the rush of excitement as she thought about his lips on hers, his hands holding her against him. Without realizing it, she had ended up at the loft. Kate took a deep breath. _No going back now, _she thought as she pulled open the door. Kate smiled tightly at the doorman, her mind focused solely on the man upstairs.

Her heart began to pound as she marched to his door, her footsteps muffled by the carpet in his hallway. What if he was sleeping? What if he was in the middle of something with Martha and Alexis? What if he…what if he didn't want to see her after she'd run away from him?

Kate knocked before she could talk herself out of it. She blinked furiously as she tried to keep her fears at bay, tried to keep her emotions in check. The doorknob turned, and suddenly she was face to face with Castle. _Damn, he looked good. _His hair was mussed, as though he'd been lying down. His bathrobe wasn't cinched tightly, and she caught a glimpse of his strong chest. He stared at her for a minute before asking

"Beckett? What are you doing here?"

Kate took a deep breath and asked without thought

"With men I don't what?"


	4. Chapter 4

Thank you all so much for the amazing response to this-it's been such a strong motivation to keep going! :)

**AN:** If only Castle and Beckett hadn't had terrible communication. Wishful thinking leads to the words below. I own nothing, all credit is due to the wonderful creators of Castle.

Thank you again for taking the time to read and review. It is much much appreciated.

* * *

"With men I don't what, Castle?"

He shut the door quietly behind her, amazed at Beckett's sudden presence at the loft. He'd spent most of the evening trying to write Kate Beckett's alter ego, but Nikki Heat seemed to be giving him as much as a problem as Beckett. Since he'd gotten home and found the note from Alexis stating she and his mother had gone to the Hamptons for the weekend, Castle had been left to his own thoughts. Tonight, like most nights, they had been consumed with images and ideas of Kate. He finally asked quietly, ignoring her question.

"What do you want, Beckett?"

He watched her every movement. She threw her coat and wallet on the sofa, placing her hands in her back pockets as she turned around to face him. At some point this evening after she'd walked away from him (that thought still stung a little) Beckett had pulled her hair into a messy bun. Her grey tee shirt clung to every curve, Castle noticed. He saw the way her chest constricted with her breath, and she said harshly

"What I want is to know what the hell is going on. With men I don't _what_, Castle?"

He shoved his hands into the pockets of his robe, painfully aware of the space between them and the fact that all he had on was a bathrobe. He'd been attempting sleep before she stormed in his apartment, but had been failing all Castle could think about was the feel of Beckett's body pressed against his, her mouth molding against his. The way she moaned into his mouth as he teased her lips apart, brushing his tongue along hers. He'd fantasized about what would have happened if she didn't have a boyfriend, of how they'd be going home after the movie and making love as opposed to her walking away from him. Now, he stared at her and said truthfully, keeping his voice calm.

"You hide in these relationships with men you don't love."

Kate stared at him. The silence between them stretched, as if both were afraid to push the envelope. He saw the truth written on her face; she knew how he felt, knew that he wanted more from her. Castle finally took a step towards Kate and continued, his frustrations over the past finally getting to him.

"I mean what exactly do you want from me, Beckett?"

She shook her head, crossing her arms over her chest and saying loudly

"What gives you the right to say something like that? What exactly are we doing here, Castle?"

"What gives me…?" He trailed off, completely caught off guard by her anger. He took another step towards her and said bluntly.

"What gives me the right is that we're friends. We're partners."

He raised his hands on frustration, his voice rising as he continued.

"Actually, I don't know what we are. We kiss, but never talk about it. We nearly die together, yet never talk about it. So I have no idea what we are. Or what we're doing here. Yet somehow, we keep ending up at this same place. Together."

Kate turned her head away from him, her eyes roaming over the empty loft. He saw her make the connection as the same thought wafted through his mind. She was going to change the subject; they had become masters of deflection when it came to their relationship.

"Where are Martha and Alexis?"

"Mother took Alexis to the Hamptons for the weekend. After the past few days, she thought some distance might do us all some good."

Castle watched her, unsure of his next move. His admittance of what he felt seemed to fill the void. When Beckett finally turned her eyes to him, he saw the fears he felt reflected back at him.

"Castle, we're…" She trailed off, but Castle wasn't going to let her off the hook that easily.

"We're what, Kate?"

She shook her head and spun around, grabbing her wallet and coat. He felt anger and dread swell within him as she said frankly

"I'm sorry I shouldn't have just-"

"No. Don't. Don't just run."

Castle closed the distance between them, barely a step away from her. Kate raised her eyes to him, and he noticed how small she actually was. While Beckett was fiery, this was Kate. Kate was soft, and gentle. Kate was complicated, and wonderful, and smelled like cherries. Castle swallowed as he took that last step between them. He held her arms loosely in his hands, saying quietly but with conviction

"Don't leave. You came over here for a reason. I'm done not talking about it. What do you want me to say? That I'm happy for you? That tonight spending time with you wasn't great, and kissing you wasn't the second best kiss of my life?"

He saw her eyes drop down to his lips, and knew she was thinking of their kiss. He blinked rapidly a few times trying to clear the same image from his mind. He pushed the strand of hair that had fallen from her bun behind her ear, taking a deep breath as she pulled that bottom lip between her teeth. Did she not realize how sexy that was? He stared at her as he continued, his hands now moving up to her shoulders and massaging gently.

"And then I think of how great we could be together. And I already know that you're right-I would have no idea. My wildest dreams wouldn't even compare."

Kate's lips parted slightly, and Castle fought the urge to kiss her. Being rejected once tonight was plenty for his ego. Castle forced himself to take a step back, saying sourly

"But you're with Josh. And I know I have no right to even think these things about you, let alone say them out loud to you. But you're…magic, Kate. We have magic. And that's what you deserve."

Castle took a step back, giving her a moment to collect her thoughts. He saw the questions still burning in her green eyes, but also saw the truth settle in them as Kate processed his words. The air between them was palpable. Castle stood his ground, his eyes trained on her face. Kate took a deep breath, the words falling from her on a sigh.

"I'm a mess, Rick. I'm broken. I'm not able to be-"

She dropped her eyes down to the floor, and Castle felt his heart break for the tough as nails detective. The truth was between them. Josh wasn't their biggest problem. Her mother's murder hung in the space, keeping them apart. Castle, the only one brave enough to push her buttons and dive past her walls, said quietly

"Yes, you are. You are able to be everything. You're not in this alone, Kate. We'll figure it out. That wall inside won't always be there."

He saw his words strike a chord. Kate's eyes widened in recognition, and Castle wondered what exactly had changed. She finally spoke, her eyes holding his gaze.

"We broke up."

He gaped at her, his mouth falling open without thought. Castle recovered enough to close his mouth, but coherent words weren't possible as he grappled to understand the magnitude of her statement. He finally stammered

"You…what?"

Kate took a step towards him, her arms dropping down by her side. He watched in rapture as she took another step closer, saying more confidently

"We broke up. Josh and I broke up."

He felt the heat begin to stir in him, his desire prickling through him at her words. Her mouth lifted into a small smile as she continued, all the while taking small steps towards him. He was too afraid to believe, too afraid to let himself get comfortable. Kate's next words echoed in the apartment.

"He said one day he hoped I found someone worth taking those walls down for. I guess it took that for me to realize I already had someone who had moved past them."

Castle smiled brilliantly at her. She took the last remaining step between them. Kate was within his reach, yet he still held back. She blinked up at him owlishly, her green eyes shining in the dimly lit loft. Kate took a deep breath and said firmly, the truth finally tumbling from her and igniting the fire within Castle.

"Last summer I thought I waited too long. I can't do that again. I just need you to know that I've wanted this. I want this. I want to be happy. And I want to be happy with you. I want you, Rick."

He closed his eyes at her words, letting the unfamiliar sensation of Kate Beckett being totally honest wash over him. Castle reached for her, finding her waist instinctively. He opened his eyes to find Kate's, saw the depth of her feelings for him. Castle smiled down at her as she whispered

"Second best kiss?"

"I'd be lying if I said our first kiss wasn't the best of my life."

Kate stared at him for a long minute before she said directly, her breath mingling with his as she teased him, her lips mere inches from his

"Let's see if we can top it."

This time, Kate Beckett kissed Richard Castle. She leaned into him as her lips found his, softly yet confidently. His fingers dug into her back as Castle pulled her as close as he could, needing more of her. Kate came willingly, her body fitting snugly against his. Her lips parted and and he happily followed suit, opening his mouth to her invading tongue. She rose up on her toes and deepened the kiss, and Castle couldn't stop the shiver of excitement that raced through him at the moan that escaped from her, swallowed by him. Her hands slid through his hair, and Castle pressed against her, walking her backwards. His lips hungrily moved from hers to her exposed neck, nipping at the pulse he saw jumping beneath the sun kissed skin. He saw the pink flush begin to climb up her neck as he pulled the tender flesh into his mouth. She moaned softly, and Castle felt his pulse quicken, the mere sound from Kate bringing his blood to a boil. When her knees connected with the couch, Kate grabbed his robe with both hands and pulled him down on top of her as she stretched out under him.

Castle raised his head and met her eyes, seeing the hazy desire he felt reflected back at him. They looked at each other, the unspoken truth of this moment weighing heavily on them. Castle knew that there was no going back; Kate Beckett was not a love 'em and leave 'em type. He thought about the repercussions, the brief moment of panic that this wouldn't work out. Kate swiped her thumb across his lips, taking the worry from him as she whispered

"Rick, I wouldn't chance our partnership for just anything. Trust me. Believe in me. Believe in us."

Castle nodded, admitting against her neck as his lips skimmed against her soft skin

"I do, Kate. I do."

Castle captured her lips in a searing kiss, determined to spend the rest of the evening letting his actions back up his words.


	5. Chapter 5

I apologize for the delay, work and life have gotten in the way of writing :) I hope everyone had a wonderful Christmas and New Years.

**I did change the rating to M.** This chapter is Castle and Beckett together. If not your thing, I'm working on getting the next chapter finished so I can get that uploaded as well, and you can skip this one if makes you uncomfortable. If not, please enjoy :)

Reviews of any kind are much appreciated and beneficial. Thank you for your amazing feedback! You guys are awesome, and make writing even more enjoyable. Thanks!

* * *

"Rick."

Castle rose up over her, pressing his hands into the supple leather of his couch. His eyes searched Kate's face. Her eyes were hazy, clouded with desire. Her lips were red and swollen from his kisses, and he had to fight the desire building within him as she spoke.

"Thank you for going to see Forbidden Planet with me."

He grinned down at her, shifting his weight to one hand and pushing her hair that had completely fallen from her bun out of her face. He pressed feather light kisses to her forehead, cheeks, nose, everywhere he could find. He whispered against her lips

"Couldn't turn down seeing Leslie Nielsen."  
"That's all it was to you, wasn't it. A free movie date."  
"Absolutely."

She leaned up and captured his lips, not giving Castle's sarcasm a chance to win. Castle shifted to his knees to free up his hands, cupping her face. She moaned against his lips, and Castle couldn't stop the smile that formed. He finally pulled back panting, saying truthfully

"If I don't stop now Kate, I'm not going to be able to in a bit."

She pulled that bottom lip between her teeth, and Castle moaned low in his throat. Kate smiled her brilliant smile that always made his heart flip before finding his neck with her skillful lips, drawing the tender flesh into her mouth. He closed his eyes tightly, his desire for her spreading like wildfire. Beckett's voice echoed loudly as she said confidently

"And what if I don't want to stop?"

He met her eyes, saw the seriousness and truth in her statement. Kate wanted this. Kate wanted _him._ She pressed her lips against his ear and whispered

"Make love to me, Rick."

He thrust against her at her words, and her low moan was her only answer. Castle's lips found hers again, crushing against hers in a heated kiss. Deciding to take her at her words, Castle pulled back and reached for her hand. Kate smiled softly at him, slipping her small yet strong hand into his. Castle tugged her through the apartment, smiling as she made random comments about the artwork hanging on his walls and murmuring about borrowing books from his office. When they stepped into his bedroom, Kate whistled.

"Wow. Impressive bachelor pad."  
"Bachelor room. The rest of my house is overrun by women."  
"This one survived."

His eyes pierced hers as he answered without thought.

"For now. But there'll be changes. Something tells me if you don't like something you see in here, you'll make it known and it'll be gone."

Kate's eyes widened but she didn't comment. Castle knew he was way ahead of himself. But Richard Castle also knew that Kate Beckett was a one and done kind of girl. If she was here with him, Kate at least saw some sort of future for them. Castle reached for her waist, pulling her flush against him. Kate's arms slid around his neck, her lips tantalizingly close to his. She breathed out his name, her breath tickling his chin. He dipped his head, expertly capturing her lips. She pressed against him, her nails scraping tenderly along his neck. Castle's tongue darted out to tease her lips apart, and he moaned softly when she acquiesced. They moved together, totally in sync here just as it was at the precinct.

Castle led her to the bed, and Kate smiled as she sat down on the edge. He knew, without question, that he was in control tonight. He marvel at the idea that Kate trusted him enough to give him this, to let him be the one to lead. Beckett had always been in control. As he ran his fingers lightly down her arms, noticing the shiver that moved through her, Castle let his mind think about the woman sitting in front of him.

Castle thought about Beckett, the cop. She always had to be in control, had to be able to show she could do a man's job. She wore those suits to show how put together she was. Beckett had the tough exterior, never let her emotions win out. As Castle ran his fingers through Kate's hair, watching as her eyes closed in pleasure, Castle let himself focus on Kate the woman. The beautiful, witty, elegant, insecure, compassionate Kate that had shown up here tonight. This was the Kate that no one else got to see. The one that Castle needed more of, wanted more of. The woman was amazing. He wondered if Kate knew how truly extraordinary she was. Kate pulled her bottom lip in between her teeth, her eyes searching his face. Castle cleared his throat and said, the emotions overwhelming him

"Kate I-."

She stared at him and Castle tried to think of a way to say how much he loved her without scaring her. Kate pulled him against her, pressing open mouth kisses to his neck and exposed chest. Kate breathed against his skin, eliciting a shiver from him. She finally raised her eyes to his again, nodding like a bobble head doll as she said softly

"I know, Rick. Me too."

Castle released the breath he didn't realize he was holding as she placed her hand directly over his heart. He knew she could feel its rate increase, the feel of her against him causing his heart to pound. Her hands plunged into his robe, her fingers exploring his chest. Castle pressed her down onto the bed and plundered her mouth, needing to taste her. His hands found the hem of her shirt and his nimble fingers danced over her flushed skin. Castle grinned as she sat up and pulled her shirt off, leaving a scrap of lace covering her breasts. He dipped his head to taste her skin, making his way down her neck to her chest. His tongue found the valley between her breasts, and Castle closed his eyes when he heard the small mewing sound Kate was making. The blood rushed through him at the sound and he realized he wanted to spend the rest of the evening, hell the rest of time if he was honest, having Kate Beckett make all kinds of sounds, all because of him.

He reached behind her and unclasped her bra, never raising his head. Castle felt her move into him, pressing her hands into the mattress to raise herself to him. Castle pushed the straps of her bra down her arms, humming pleasure at the sight of her exposed in front him. Whatever he had spent years fantasizing about paled in comparison. Castle knelt down in front of her, meeting her eyes as he brought his hands to her breasts. Kate dipped her head back in pleasure, and Castle watched in awe as her nipples hardened under his ministrations.

Unable to keep from tasting her, Castle let his tongue trace lazy circles around her rosy nipple, grinning as Kate began to shift in frustration under his hands. Finally deciding he needed more of her, and the sight of her wanting him driving him crazy, Castle pulled one nipple into his mouth. She gasped in pleasure, and Castle sucked harder. Her slender fingers pressed into his shoulders. Castle took his time playing with her, his free hand teasing her other nipple. She thrust herself against him, gasping his name. Castle moved to the other breast, drawing her deep into his mouth as his hand squeezed her tender flesh. Castle finally pulled away from her breasts, saying harshly

"I need more."  
"Finally, damn it. What are you trying to do, torture me."  
"Believe me, detective, torture is the last thing I have in mind for tonight."

He tugged roughly on her pants, pushing her panties down with them. Castle stared down at her, completely mesmerized by the sight of a naked Kate in his bed. He thought briefly of his wonderings earlier in the evening, when he was picturing a perfect evening with her. He had always thought this would just be one of his wildest dreams.

"Castle…please."

He raised his eyes to hers, saw the wanton look that passed over her features. He shifted between her legs, his hands running up and down the sinfully long limbs that he'd always admired from afar. He groaned loudly when he noticed how wet she was, how ready she was for him. He licked his lips as he said without thought

"Ahh, Kate…you're so _wet_. You're so…"

He shook his head, words failing him again. Beautiful wasn't even a strong enough word to describe Kate, seeing her desire for them. He pressed his face against her, breathing in her scent. Musky and deliciously _Kate,_ Castle thought he could live off just the smell of her. Castle sighed against her at the small keening sound she made and he whispered

"Let me just admire the view for a bit."  
"Admire next time, Castle. I need you."

He raised his head, needing to see her eyes as her words raced through his brain. There would be a next time. Castle would have plenty of time to memorize every inch of her skin, commit to memory all the things that made Kate moan and beg for more. The thought turned him on more than he thought possible.

Castle flicked his tongue against her. She gasped when he withdrew. Castle took a deep breath, knowing once he tasted her, he wouldn't want to stop. Finally, unable to help himself, Castle pressed his mouth against her. She pushed her pelvis into his face, and Castle groaned against her. He pushed his tongue inside her, closing his eyes and letting the tang of her overwhelm him. His large hands pressed her thighs down as she began to writhe against him, moaning out his name.

"_Rick.._…oh god, yes….Rick don't stop…"

Her words egging him on, Castle moved one hand to press against her. He slid one finger into her wet heat, brushed his tongue against her aroused nerves. He watched his finger disappear inside of her, adding a second finger as she began to grind against his palm. Kate threaded her fingers into his hair, holding him against her. Like he had any intention of going anywhere. He began to thrust his hips against the side of the bed, needing some kind of friction against his aching flesh. Kate's heels dug into his back as she arched off the bed, too much distance between them. Castle needed to see her lose control; needed to have her fall apart around him,_ because _of him. Castle sucked her into his mouth, pressing his tongue flat against her sensitive bundle of nerves. He raised his eyes to her face as her muscles clinched around his fingers. Kate groaned loudly as she tumbled over the edge of ecstasy.

"Rick!…"

He had never seen anything more breathtaking. Kate bucked her hips into his face as she rode out the waves of pleasure and Castle lapped at her juices as he brought her down slowly from her high. When she finally settled back on the bed, her breath coming in small pants, Castle stood. His fingers skimmed her flat stomach as he climbed onto the bed beside her, his lips chasing wherever he touched. Kate reached for him blindly, her hands cupping his face as she pressed her lips to his. She moaned and Castle knew she could taste herself on his tongue. She finally whispered against his lips as she opened her eyes, the cloud of desire still rolling within them causing Castle's body to move instinctively against hers.

"How come I'm the only one who is naked here?"  
"I'm practically naked."

Beckett quirked an eyebrow at him, and Castle couldn't stop the grin that sprang to his lips. She pushed him off of her and reached for the tie on his robe. Castle held her gaze as she pushed the material off of him. Kate finally let her eyes roam over his body, and Castle clamped down on his lip when she moaned appreciatively. Her fingers found his skin, and Castle clenched his teeth as her nails skimmed over his abs. She laughed softly, saying quietly

"Damn Castle...you were only bachelor number 9?"

Castle met her eyes, the question lingering between them. She remembered that? Kate had been so mad at the idea of them being romantically involved. Who knew a year later they would be here? She shrugged, her eyes dropping to wander over him again. Kate reached for the waistband of his boxers, dipping her index finger behind the elastic to pull him to her. She lay back on the bed and pulled him with her, her hands pushing the last article of clothing separating them down his hips. Kate was quick, rolling them over with a simple movement. She finally answered her own question as she sat firmly on his thighs, avoiding touching him where he ached most.

"That magazine is stupid, and you should definitely cancel your subscription. You deserve to be ranked a lot higher. And after everything we've been through…the idea of being involved with you certainly doesn't sound too bad now."

He laughed slightly, but it quickly changed into a gasp as Kate's lips ghosted over his collarbone and throat, working her way down to his chest. She slid a little further down, swirling her tongue around his nipple. Castle groaned loudly as she nipped lightly, showing her playful side. Her hands finally found him, heavy and hard. Kate held him loosely in her palm, her thumb brushing the tip to wipe away the drop of moisture that had collected there. Castle closed his eyes and breathed heavily through his nose, her touch alone almost too much for him.

Castle had spent months—years actually—wishing for this moment. Kate Beckett had been the subject of many Richard Castle fantasies. The feel of her hands on him, her lips leaving wet kisses on his chest brought a wave of emotion crashing over him. He closed his eyes for a second and tried to focus on the feel of Kate, to just enjoy her here rather than focus on what all it means. When Castle opened his eyes again, he found Kate staring at him and he saw her eyes widen slightly. She sat up between his legs, her hands on his thighs, and asked softly

"Is everything okay?"

Castle couldn't stop the laughter that bubbled up at the image in front of him. Kate narrowed her eyes, her lips parting slightly. He quickly reached for her and answered, pulling her down beside him.

"Not exactly how I pictured our first time going. With you sitting between my legs asking if I was okay. I thought I'd be better at this with you."

Kate reached for him, pulling him down to capture his lips. Her teeth found his bottom lip and she bit down gently before soothing it with her tongue. Her tongue found his, colliding together as their kiss became more passionate. When she finally broke the kiss, Kate whispered

"I think we're doing pretty great. In fact I think we're about to get a lot better."

She lowered her hand and gripped him firmly, her eyes holding his in a smoldering glance. She raised her hips and pressed herself against him, and Castle groaned at the feel of her heat against his leg. He shifted and positioned himself between her legs, burying his face into her neck as he slid inside her. She gasped into his shoulder as Castle breathed "Kate," against her ear. Castle held himself still, giving her a minute to adjust to the feel of him. He also needed a minute because she felt so damn _amazing_, holding him within her tight walls, that he didn't know how long he would be able to last. When she gripped his bicep gently, Castle began to move. Her hands spanned his back, her nails digging into the strong muscles. Her lips found his as she matched his movements, their joining together effortless and completely natural. He kissed her harshly as his speed picked up, unable to hold back any longer. As he dropped his head to her neck, he pressed gentle kisses against her sweat soaked skin to counteract his urgency. Kate breathed against his ear

"Let go, Rick."

She bit down gently on his earlobe, and Castle's vision blurred as she pushed him to release. He grunted as he spilled into her, his body still moving against hers. Kate gasped in his ear as his release triggered her own, and he moaned loudly as her muscles pulled him deeper inside her. He collapsed on top of her, unable to support his own weight anymore as he slowly came back to his senses. Castle found her hands, linking their fingers together as their breathing returned to normal. He finally realized he was probably crushing her, and Castle rolled off of her. Kate wasted no time in snuggling up against him, pressing tender kisses to his neck and chest. His hand tangled in her hair, letting the feel of her closeness calm his racing heart. Kate finally raised her head slightly and whispered

"Wow."  
"Wow's a good word. Mind blowing, amazing, wonderful…also good synonyms."  
"Look at you, Thesaurus Boy."  
"I prefer Writer Man, thank you."

She laughed slightly before he kissed her, marveling over the fact that he had just made love to Kate Beckett. Castle let himself get lost in thoughts of this evening. Their movie date, which had been wonderful enough, despite the rough outcome. But to know that he had earned his place in Kate's life; had clawed and scratched and broken through every wall she had to be here, that was Castle's greatest achievement. With some effort, Castle pulled the covers over their sated bodies, enjoying the feel of Kate curling into him. The silence stretched for a minute, but not uncomfortably. As he began to drift off to sleep, Castle mumbled

"You were right."

He smiled softly as Kate kiss his cheek. Taking a deep breath he finished lamely, burying his face into her hair.

"No idea."

Castle felt Beckett's knowing chuckle against his shoulder even as sleep claimed him.


	6. Chapter 6

Thank you all again for your wonderful feedback and encouragement! You're all wonderful :)

I took some liberties with The Dead Pool. I like the idea of trying to follow the show, and I love that episode, but I like the idea of Castle and Beckett being together for it. So here we go. Also, I skipped the pizza episode cause I'm not gonna lie it's not one of my favorites.

Reviews and thoughts are always much appreciated. Thank you all for reading!

* * *

It had been a long day. The case was finally closed, and all that was left was the paperwork. Beckett twirled the pen between her fingers, completely entranced by the files in front of her on the desk. She shifted slightly in her chair, rolling her shoulders to work out some of the stiffness that had settled over her lithe frame. Kate thought back over last night, when Rick had spent the better part of the evening working _every_ kink out of Kate's body.

Castle was okay with Beckett meeting Alex a few nights ago to discuss his book, he had said bluntly, because _he, _Rick, had been the one to come over after the meeting and _they _had spent the evening drinking wine, making love, and truly delving into their partnership, inside and outside of work.

Still, Beckett wanted to discuss Castle's reactions when he'd seen the basket of muffins on her desk a few days ago and especially after Beckett had heard about the poker game last night. Alex Conrad had just dropped by the precinct to thank her once again for her help, and he hadn't been shy talking about how much ribbing he had taken at the game. Kate had a small inkling about what it could be about, given how passionately Rick had kissed her when he'd stopped by after the game before practically pulling her through the apartment and making love to her. For hours, he'd kept Kate panting and writhing and wanting him, just him until fully sated, when they had curled up together and fallen asleep.

As she jotted down a few notes about their case, her eyes shifting from the murder board where it had all come together to the files she was completing, Beckett thought about Castle. She let her mind trail back to their first morning they woke up together. The smile sprang to her lips without conscious thought...

...

The smell of coffee woke her up. Beckett stretched languidly, curling her toes into the soft downy mattress. The contented smile she had worn to bed last night still lingered.

Kate could hear Castle in his office, his fingers typing away viciously. Beckett sat up and pushed her hair out of her face, glancing around his bedroom. She was, for some reason, having a hard time believing she was here in Richard Castle's bed. Beckett had been teasing when she said he had no idea. Truthfully, after last night, Kate knew she was the one who had no idea how amazing it was going to be. It had been better than she ever thought possible.

Kate glanced at the clock on the nightstand, but was distracted by the cup of coffee sitting next to her. The smile was instantaneous. She was glad to see that even though everything had changed, this detail hadn't.

"I didn't have sugar free vanilla here."

She turned to peek at Castle. He had thrown his bathrobe back on. She let her eyes roam over him, her mind pleasantly replaying vivid flashbacks of last night. His hair was ruffled from sleep and her fingers and Kate's smile grew as Castle came to sit down next to her. Beckett grabbed the coffee mug and took a sip, an appreciative moan escaping from her lips. He stared at her for a long minute before asking quietly

"Kate I need to know something."

She heard the anxiety in his voice, and Kate immediately tensed. She reached for Castle's hand instinctively, seeking out comfort in him as usual. She noticed he watched their fingers link together, and Kate saw his Adam's apple bob in his throat as he swallowed. Castle finally met her eyes again and said questioningly

"I need to know this isn't an "I just broke up with Josh and Castle's around" thing. That last night wasn't just a…a rebound for you."

Castle glanced away and Kate felt her eyes well with angry tears. She didn't blame Castle for his train of thought. She knew if the roles were reversed she would have felt the same way. Taking a deep breath, Kate finally said in a clear voice

"Rick. Look at me."

Castle brought his eyes back to hers, and Beckett saw the fear he felt. She cupped his cheek gently, running her thumb along the day old stubble that had formed. Her green eyes held his blue ones, begging him to see the truth in her words.

"Rick I was serious last night. I would never do anything to jeopardize our work relationship for just a throwaway night. We both know this is more than that. I know I'm not the easiest person to get to know…" he smiled as she spoke, both of them thinking of the previous summer when she'd said the exact same words, "…but somehow you've managed to break through all the walls. And I know that hasn't been easy. And I know I've put you through a lot of pain."

Kate trailed off, but Rick squeezed her hand gently, letting her know that an apology was not needed. She cleared her throat, determined to push through. Determined to tell him what she felt.

"I know you were right last night. I hide. And the truth is I'll probably always hide a bit of me away behind my mother's murder until it's solved."

Beckett lifted their hands and kissed his knuckles, needing a moment to collect her thoughts. She didn't want to hide anymore, but she needed to be honest. She finally whispered

"That's not fair to you, I know. And if that's going to be a problem, I understand."

"Kate."

Her name tumbled from him as Castle pressed his lips to her temple. The small, simple gesture calmed her racing heart. Castle lay back with her on the bed, his fingers skimming over her stomach and tracing her name into her skin. Castle pressed tender kisses to her cheek, and Kate felt the desire beginning to grow at his simple ministrations. He finally continued, his voice dropping an octave

"I was serious about last night too. You're not alone in this. We're going to figure it out together, you and me."

Rick kissed her then, his large hand spanning her neck. Kate leaned into him, needing to get closer, needing to feel him against her. Before things could escalate, her cell phone rang. Kate patted his chest as he groaned; she reached across him to answer it.

"Beckett."

Kate pushed her hair out of her face, listening intently to the phone call detailing their latest body drop. Kate made herself ignore Castle's eyes watching her. Finally she said she was on her way and hung up the phone, glancing over her shoulder at him.

"Body drop at a pool. You coming?"

"Yeah, I'll meet you there. An old protégé of mine is coming into town and I told him we'd discuss his newest novel."

Kate raised her eyebrows at him, and Castle shrugged smugly.

"What? I can't have someone look up to me? You're not the only who can be inspirational around here."

Beckett laughed out loud, the joy of them being together bubbling over. Castle smiled at her and ran his hand up and down her back, saying softly

"Thank you, Kate."

She took a deep breath and not for the first time saw the depth of Castle's feelings for her in his expression. Not able to say exactly how she felt out loud yet, Kate leaned down and kissed him softly, saying

"We'll figure this out. It wasn't just a rebound."

He grinned at her as she climbed out of bed, grabbing her clothes that had managed to be scattered around the floor. When she stood back up, Castle was holding the coffee he had prepared for her. Kate took it gratefully, gazing up at him as she tasted the exquisite concoction. He stood up in front of her, dropping his head to kiss her hotly, before murmuring

"And to think, just last night you were looking at me that way for me, not coffee. I see how quickly the tide turns."

Kate threw her shirt at him and rolled her eyes as he sauntered out of the room. Castle peeked around the corner once he was safely in his office, and Beckett could feel him watching her, a small smile gracing her mouth as she moved confidently at the idea of Castle's eyes following her. Beckett threw her hair into a messy ponytail, giving her appearance a once over in the mirror. Thank goodness she was going home to change first; there was no denying Kate Beckett had just had mind blowing sex. She grinned at the thought, her lip sneaking between her teeth.

"What's so funny?"

Castle stepped up behind her, slipping his arms around her waist. She leaned into his broad chest, still getting her mind around the fact that she here with Castle. That this wasn't just a fling. She leaned back against him and said truthfully

"Just thinking about how good we are together."

"Only took us three years to get here."

Kate met his eyes in the mirror, saw her own happiness reflected back at her in his appearance. She finally turned in his arms and kissed him gently, her hands resting flatly against his chest. Castle pulled her closer, his tongue teasing her lips apart. She moaned softly against him, still reveling in the fact that she could openly kiss Richard Castle now. She made herself take a step back, pushing away from his strong arms.

"I need to get going. Can we set some quick ground rules?"

Castle nodded, his eyes narrowing slightly at her tone. Kate took a deep breath and reached for his hand. She squeezed gently as she said on a hurried breath

"I could be brought up on an ethics violation if it…well if we are together. So while at the precinct, it's just Castle and Beckett."

Castle wrinkled his nose, saying with a hint of worry

"So...do we pretend to be single? Or are you still with…"

Kate shook her head, immediately hoping to alleviate his fears. She stepped into the warmth of Castle's arms, pressing her fingers into his back to anchor him to her. She fit, Kate noticed. Her head tucked right under Rick's chin, her arms wrapping perfectly around his trim waist. She closed her eyes and let the beating of his heart calm her own frantic reaction.

"No…if anything is asked, we broke up. I'm not going to do that to us. You deserve better than that."

She felt him kiss the top of her head, and Kate sighed softly into the thick material of his robe before continuing.

"I don't know about pretending to be single either. Let's just…play it by ear, okay?"

She shifted slightly, pulling back to meet Castle's eyes. The cerulean blue, his happiness shining through and causing his eyes to sparkle, held her captive. He nodded his consent and kneaded her skin through her clothes, causing Kate's breath to hitch in her throat at just the thought of his hands on her bare skin again. He leered at her, saying hotly

"You need to go; otherwise I'm not letting you leave."

She narrowed her eyes, tempted at the idea of crawling back into bed with Castle and forgetting about the world for a little longer. Finally acknowledging that the real world still called, Kate grazed her nails over his chest, saying simply

"I'll see you at the scene. Don't forget the coffee."

Beckett smiled at his elaborate eye roll, saying on a laugh

"I see I've taught you well. See you later."

She kissed him softly once more before heading out the door, her mind already transitioning from Kate with Rick, to Beckett with Castle...

...

Castle set the cup of coffee down in front of her, drawing Kate's attention back to the present. She raised her eyes to his, smiling as he whispered softly

"Hi."

Castle sat down in the chair next to her desk, his eyes roaming over her before settling on her face again. Kate took in his appearance, his blue shirt making his eyes seem brighter. She loved when he left the top button unbuttoned. It was like her own personal tease. Kate took a deep breath, forcing her racing heart to calm. She let her eyes drop down to his lips, the desire to kiss him and touch him coursing through her Beckett without conscious thought. Castle waggled his eyebrows at her as if he followed her train of thought, his grin growing at the eye roll she granted him. They were quiet for a minute, reveling in the comfort of their new relationship step, before Castle glanced at the murder board.

Kate watched as he stood, her eyes admiring the muscles of his back swelling under his clothes. His pants fit snugly, showing off his perfect _assets_. Kate bit her bottom lip to hide her grin, reminding herself that they were at the precinct. Castle glanced over his shoulder at her as he said truthfully

"You know, it is ironic. The one man Zack thought he could trust, his mentor, turned out to be his killer."

Kate's head snapped up at his words, finding the perfect entrance for her own thoughts about last night.

"Yeah. Speaking of mentor, I heard you that you guys were pretty hard on Conrad."

She and Castle hadn't spoken of the poker game last night, too distracted by each others bodies to get into the details. Now, having spoken to Conrad this morning, Kate was determined to get him to open up. Castle scoffed at her, saying offhandedly

"Hard on him? No, no, it was just a little friendly hazing."

"To hear him describe it, it sounds like someone was trying to teach him a lesson."

"What? Why would I want to do that?"

His forced laughter brought a small smile to Kate's mouth and she heard the intense jealousy he must have felt. She crossed her arms over her chest, saying bluntly

"Because you didn't want him to spend time with me?"

She saw the truth of her statement in his features before he schooled his reaction.

"That is completely-"

"True?"

Beckett cut him off, her eyebrows shooting up as she dared him to deny it. He stared at her for a long minute before dropping the false pretense.

"Yes, fine. It's true. I'm jealous. There, I said it. I-I want you all to myself, and to have you spending time with another writer? That upsets me! And if that makes me petty, so be it. Guilty as charged."

Beckett's smile had grown with every ounce of frustration she felt spilling from Castle. He blew out his breath, his eyes darting to hers as afraid he'd said too much. Beckett held his gaze for a long minute, her smile reaching her eyes as she admitted

"Actually I think it's sweet."

He blinked at her before questioning, his tone almost unsure,

"You do?"

She took a step towards him, nodding her head once before answering out loud.

"I do. And that's why you don't have to worry about me hanging around with Conrad anymore. From now on, I'm a one writer girl."

His reaction was immediate. Castle grinned at her, his hand reaching out to grip her waist. Before he could touch her, however, reality set in. Castle dropped his hand lamely down to his side, his eyes shining with adoration as he said quietly

"Thank you."  
"Always."

Kate felt her own feelings bombard her as the truth of her statement settled over them. It was true. She was his; there was no denying it now. Richard Castle had claimed Kate Beckett for his own, and she was more than happy to let him. Because she knew that Castle was _hers. _The thought excited her more than she ever thought possible.

Finally deciding they'd been plenty professional for the day, Kate winked at Castle as she grabbed her coat. Standing next to him, so tantalizing close she could smell his aftershave, Kate whispered

"How about you meet me at my place, and I'll show you how I'm _your_ one writer girl?"

Kate heard Castle's moan as brushed past him, her hand grazing his bicep as she walked by. She glanced over her shoulder, laughing slightly at his glazed over eyes-his mind playing out whatever fantasy her words had conjured. _Hopefully, we'll be playing out that fantasy a little later tonight_, she thought with a smug smile. Fantasies and Richard Castle. Wonders would never cease.

* * *

**A/N:** I'm not quite sure how Beckett's musings about their first morning together works. If it doesn't, please let me know. I'm still toying with writing and trying to find my groove, and I love hearing other thoughts to see what I could do different, better. Thank you for taking the time to read!


	7. Chapter 7

How did Castle find out about Royce? I always wondered that, since he was just at the scene. Plus I like the idea of him and Beckett being "together" when he finds out. Also, I am not so great at incorporating other characters, so hopefully these next few chapters will remedy that. :)

Thank you so much for the positive feedback! And for taking the time tor read! You guys are the best, it truly does wonders for a writers heart to get feedback of any kind. Thank you for taking the time to read.

* * *

The emptiness of the loft was stifling. Now that he spent most of his time with Beckett, Castle found his alone time oddly unsatisfying. Castle stared at the blank screen that seemed to be mocking him; Nikki Heat appeared to be as elusive as Kate Beckett was today. Kate had been gone all day, finishing up paperwork and other mundane projects around the precinct. He hated days like this, when he had to keep himself away to focus on his own career. As much as he enjoyed writing, playing cop meant he got to see more of Beckett.

Now, as the quietness pressed in around him, Castle let his thoughts linger on his tough but savvy partner. In the three weeks they had been together, Castle hadn't used the word girlfriend yet. He was still too afraid to pop the bubble that he and Kate found themselves in. Kate had affectionately called him out on that "bubble" after he had called for the fifth time that day, begging her for an excuse to stop writing. Castle smiled softly as her words replayed in his mind.

"_It's been eight hours, Castle. Surely you can find a way to entertain yourself. Or you're more than welcome to come fill out paperwork."  
_"_Actually, now that I think about it, those chapters were due a few weeks ago. Should probably get those turned in."  
_"_So really, you just called to say you missed me. You're getting soft." _

Castle flexed his fingers over the keyboard, his mind filled with too many thoughts of extraordinary woman he was getting to know to focus on writing. Beckett had been become too much a part of him. It was too easy to picture running his hands over Kate's body when he wrote about Nikki and Rook. Castle was too mesmerized thinking about moving about the kitchen with Kate in the mornings, laughing and talking as they prepared breakfast, rather than focus long enough to create an imagined version of it. Real life had eclipsed all aspects of fiction, he thought with a grin.

Castle glanced up at the sound of the front door opening. He turned his soft smile to Alexis, admiring the confidence she carried with her as she stepped into the spacious living room. She dropped down next to him, cocking her head at him as she said softly

"Hey Dad."  
"Hey Pumpkin."  
"Where's Detective Beckett?"  
"She's at the precinct. And she has asked you repeatedly to call her Kate."

He felt the air change at his words, Alexis immediately stiffening and shifting away from him. Castle could feel the tension building, and the weight of her pulling away tugged at him. He and Alexis had always had been able to talk about anything. Until a few weeks ago when Alexis had lied to him. Until a few weeks ago when he had faked seeing a movie before to be with Kate. Until a few weeks ago when everything changed. Knowing he had waited too long but determined to fix it, Castle said softly

"What's going on, Alexis?"

Castle watched her with trained eyes as Alexis pushed a strand of hair behind her ear. She sat up thoughtfully, leaning her elbows on her knees and holding her head up in her hands. Castle mimicked her posture, blue eyes finding the same soft blue he was glad his daughter had inherited from him. Alexis' sigh sounded loudly throughout the apartment before she said truthfully

"It's just hard, Dad. She's this tough cop and you're this writer and now you're together and I don't know how to just flip to calling her Kate."

Castle raised his eyebrows at her bluntness and frowned when Alexis quickly tried to backpedal.

"I'm sorry Dad, it's your life I should have just-"  
"Hey, stop. Don't do that. We need to talk about this."

Castle turned his eyes away from his brilliant daughter, trying to collect his thoughts. Why hadn't he thought to discuss his new relationship with Beckett before now? No wonder Alexis has been so standoffish with Kate. Castle touched her shoulder gently, needing to be connected to his daughter as he tried to explain.

"I know this just kind of happened. And it started out as a simple evening as two friends seeing a movie. But it was just time. Moments happen in our lives when the truth can't be hidden anymore. And to be honest, I think we're still trying to figure it out ourselves. But we're working on it, and we're happy."

"And is that enough?"

Alexis raised her eyebrows, asking him silent questions he didn't know the answer to. His daughter had unfortunately been privy to the heartbreak Castle had been feeling for the past few weeks as he wrestled with his feelings for Kate and her relationship with Josh. Now, Castle smiled softly at his too observant offspring, hyper aware that Alexis was every bit protective of him as he was of her.

"Being happy with Beckett is more than enough for right now. We've got a lot to figure out. She's got a lot of walls. And we're working through them. But we're in this, Alexis. She broke up with Josh because she realized she had feelings for me."

His voice cracked slightly on the words, still not quite believing he and Kate had finally gotten here. Alexis recaptured his attention, her small soft hand coming to rest gently on his shoulder. She squeezed once, saying quietly but with conviction

"If you're happy, I'm happy. I just don't want you to get hurt. And Beckett…she's got that power Dad. You can try to deny it. But I think she's got more power over you than just about any other woman."

Alexis moved to stand, but Castle's hand found hers. He tightened his hold gently, drawing Alexis' eyes back to him. Tugging on a strand of her hair, Castle shook his head and said truthfully

"She's got nothing on you, kid."

They shared a smile before she murmured something about homework and took off towards the stairs. He watched her disappear, wondering when exactly she had grown up right before his very eyes. She was too smart for her own good sometimes, he thought with smile.

The phone rang, stirring Castle from his thoughts. Kate Beckett's face flashed across the screen, and his smile was immediate. Beckett was probably confirming what he wanted for dinner; she had said she would call after finishing up at the precinct and see what she could pick up before their movie night. He swiped his finger across the screen, his voice dropping to use his 'sexy voice,' as Beckett called it.

"Finally, I thought you'd never leave work. You headed this way, I've got-"

He grew quiet as her silence became deafening. Even through the phone, Castle could feel her tension. He took a deep breath and said firmly, steeling his heart for whatever she was about to throw at him.

"Kate?"  
"It's Royce. He's dead."

Castle heard the sharp intake of her breath, Beckett's emotions getting the better of her. He heard the broken sob that escaped; his muse, his inspiration, his partner, his lover—pain was once again taking over her life. He immediately stood, his hand reaching for his keys and wallet had he thrown on the coffee table when he'd come in from the precinct, his instinct to protect her taking over without conscious thought. Castle forced himself to breathe through his own ache for Kate, saying forcefully

"Where are you? I'm coming to get you."  
"Rick I can't. I'm sorry I just…I need to be alone for a bit. I'll meet you at the crime scene."

She rattled off the address. Castle flinched at the harsh tone in her voice, the anger he could hear simmering just below the surface. He closed his eyes and said calmly, hoping his words would help control her emotions.

"Kate, it's going to be okay. We're going to solve this."

She sighed heavily, deflecting his reassurance.

"I'll see you there Castle."

Kate hung up, not giving him a chance to respond. Castle clinched his hand against his thigh, pushing his frustrations at once again being stopped by a Kate Beckett brick wall away. She may not admit it, but she needed him. He wasn't going to let her hide again. He grabbed his jacket, yelling as he shoved his arms into the sleeves.

"Alexis, there's been a murder, I have to go."

The apartment seemed smaller in the time since Kate's phone call. Castle's tunnel vision when it came to his partnership with Beckett had completely taken over.

"Dad!"

Her voice cut through his panicked haze. Castle balked at the sound, his eyes darting around and finding Alexis standing at the bottom of the stairs.

"What is going on?"  
"It's Kate. Something's happened."  
"Is she okay?"

Castle saw the fear pass through his daughter. Despite her worry about his relationship with Beckett, Castle knew Alexis cared a great deal for the detective. Needing to hold on to something, to ground himself in reality, Castle strode across the apartment and pulled her into a bone crushing hug. He pressed a kiss to the top of her red hair, saying softly

"She'll be okay. I'll keep you posted. In bed by midnight."


	8. Chapter 8

Thank you guys so so so much for the feedback! All the good vibes kept me going, so I've been on a kick tonight. I hope you all enjoy. Thank you again for all the reviews, followers, and favorites. You guys rock. Seriously. Thank you.

Also, it needs to be said: Thank you Andrew Marlowe for these amazing characters and letting us write about them :) All the credit goes to him.

* * *

Castle shifted from foot to foot beside Captain Montgomery, his eyes searching through the throng of people. His heart pounded, its frantic beating drowning out the sounds of crime scene techs and Ryan and Esposito canvassing. Where _was_ she? Castle glanced at his watch again, noting it had been almost a half hour since his conversation with Kate.

When she drove up to the scene and stepped out of the car, Castle immediately felt his heart break at the anguish that crossed Kate Beckett's delicate features. She stepped out of the cruiser and rolled her shoulders back, cinching her jacket tight around her waist as she walked towards them. Castle could see her steely resolve as she asked Montgomery hurriedly

"Where is he?"  
"Turn around and go home and let me hand this, alright?"  
"Sir, I've seen dead bodies before."

The calm before the storm had arrived. Kate Beckett was going to be out for blood. There was no telling her to back down. Montgomery stepped aside, allowing Beckett to skate past him. Castle fell into step beside her, noting the angst rising in her even as she remained composed. Where Beckett was completely in charge, Kate was barely holding it together. It amazed him that he could pick up on the difference now. Their three years as partners, and the past three weeks of exploring a new relationship, allowed Castle to catch glimpses past the façade of Beckett. He saw the devastating grief Kate felt. Kate met his eyes, and he saw the glint as if she dared him to try and get in her way. Castle finally trusted his voice enough to stay strong long enough to say softly

"Come on, Kate, you don't want to remember him like this."

Beckett's eyes flickered to Castle's face as they walked and Castle saw the waves of sadness she was determined to hold back as she said bluntly

"Castle, if it was me lying there would you just walk away?"

Beckett stared at him, eyes wide in the silence that stretched, and her words echoed in the space between them. Castle's eyes prickled with tears just at the idea of seeing Kate lying dead on the ground. He wanted to reach for her, hold her. Beckett turned away from him and continued walking towards her old training partner, and Castle could only follow mutely behind. He noticed her rigid posture, her labored breathing. Castle ached to touch her; he wanted to remind her that she wasn't alone.

As they reached the body, Castle tried to pinpoint how Beckett must be feeling. Castle knew Beckett and Royce hadn't talked since that day she had arrested him. He'd only brought the name up once, barely getting it out before Beckett cut him off and asked him not to mention Royce again. He'd honored her wishes, knowing this was not a subject to push. He had always wondered if Kate had been telling the truth that day on the phone, admitting to Royce that she was in love with him. Or if it truly had just been for a trace. It hadn't taken long for him to see he already knew the answer.

He heard the truth now in the catch of her breath as she steeled herself to see him. She gripped her hands together, twisting her fingers around themselves to keep from reaching out (hopefully to him) for comfort. Castle listened halfheartedly as Lanie explained the cause of death, interjecting questions that seemed pertinent without his gaze ever wavering from Kate. He could feel the heat radiating off of her as she knelt down to touch Royce's head.

"Royce um, had something else in his pocket. It's addressed to you."

Kate stood back up, taking the piece of paper from Lanie. Castle touched Kate's shoulder softly, not wanting to startle her out of her revere. Castle caught sight of the boys and had to remind himself that they had to keep it professional; he forced himself to move away from Beckett.

Lanie was the only one who knew that he and Beckett were together. Kate had admitted it the other day at the precinct after they'd left the morgue. Castle had questioned why Lanie was looking at him differently, almost approvingly. Beckett had lowered her eyes and finally admitted that Lanie had asked why they hadn't gotten together for a girls night in a while and Kate hadn't been able to come up with a solid excuse fast enough. She'd promised to protect their secret, and now Castle felt the medical examiners eyes on him as Kate turned the paper over in her hands. He answered her silent question with a shrug, not knowing how best to broach Kate in her heartache. He cleared his throat and asked quietly, bringing Kate's attention back to the moment at hand.

"Something about the case?"

Kate turned to him, her hazel eyes filling with tears as their eyes locked. Castle dropped his hand to find hers, his fingers brushing against hers quickly in a silent gesture. _You can do this. It's okay. I'm right here._ His eyes implored her to understand, to know how much he wanted to help her. She opened the letter with shaky hands, her eyes darting across the words before a whispered "no" fell from her. Before he could question further, a voice rang out.

"I think we got the murder weapon."

They all turned to Ryan and Esposito, Kate taking a step towards her partners to take gun dangled in front of them. Castle could practically see the wheels turning in her mind as she examined it, her fingers holding it away from her body. Ryan finally spoke up, drawing everyone's attention.

"Listen, Beckett, we're gonna get this guy. We got uniforms heading to every store and apartment in a five block radius."

"This is New York. Somebody had to have seen something."

Castle knew the simple truth did nothing to appease Kate's conscious. She turned to Castle, saying quietly as he walked her back to the car

"I have to find this son of a bitch."  
"We will, Kate."  
"Why fly to New York from L.A? It doesn't make sense."

Castle placed his hand on the small of her back, making sure he blocked the view from the captain, and guided her to the driver's side door. He knew her resolve was crumbling when she didn't object to the public display. He toyed with the idea of asking to drive, but ultimately Castle knew that Beckett needed the element of control that came with being behind the wheel of a car. As she sank down and placed her hands on the wheel, Beckett pressed the back of her head into the seat. She took a deep breath and raised her eyes to his, asking softly

"Can I stay at your place tonight?"

The raw emotion in her voice caused Castle's heart to constrict. He'd seen Kate fall apart a few times, but her asking for more from him was new. He nodded wordlessly, for the first time since her phone call feeling a small sense of assurance. Even though her walls had gotten another layer added to them because she was once again dealing with someone else she loved murdered, Kate was as determined as Castle was to keep tearing down the bricks, little by little. For now, that was enough. He reached for her hand as soon as they were in the car alone, holding tightly. Anchoring her to him. He chanced a few glances her way as they drove towards the loft.

"Castle. Stop."  
"What?"  
"Quit looking at me. I'm not dying. I'm fine."

She turned her eyes to him as they came to a stop, and he raised his eyebrows at her. She sighed heavily and ran her free hand over her forehead before admitting

"Okay, I'm not fine. But I'm not falling apart. I've done this before, remember?"

Castle opened his mouth but Kate raised her hand and quickly changed direction.

"I meant I've lost someone before, Castle. But…I'm here with you, right? So can we please just…start this tomorrow? At the precinct."

He stared at her for a long minute, noticing the truth behind her statement. Kate just needed to breathe in the good for a bit, breathe in _them_ for tonight. To know that even when terrible things happen, sometimes good can still come out of it. That's what he had spent years trying to teach her. He nodded and sighed, saying quietly

"Are you sure you don't want to talk?"

Kate narrowed her eyes as she climbed out of the cruiser, effectively shutting him up. She stepped into his arms. He breathed in her cherry scent that always seemed to be around and clinched his hands in the soft wool material of her jacket. Kate finally took a deep breath and rose up, pressing her lips against his ear saying on a breath

"I have something a little different in mind."

It took his brain a few seconds to catch up to her words, and by the time he caught her meaning she was already gone, pushing past the front door to the lobby of his building. One thing was for sure, he thought with a small smile, Kate Beckett always kept him on his toes.


	9. Chapter 9

Inspiration hit so I kept going. I hope you all enjoy! Thank you so much for your reviews, your thoughts, your favorites and follows. I am truly enjoying this and getting to test my own ideas of Castle and Beckett. So thank you for the encouragement.

**A/N: This is an M rated chapter. When I re-read this I realized it might see a little out of character for season 3 Beckett to be so confident in her relationship with Castle. However, in my world, they are together and I picture her as beginning of season 5 Beckett, when her walls are truly starting to come** **down**.

* * *

It was blissfully silent when they stepped over the threshold to the loft. Kate took a deep breath, pulling her hair down from the clip and running her hands through the soft curls as Castle shut the door. He helped her out of her coat, and Kate moved with him as he went to hang the winter garments up by the door. When he turned to face her, Kate's lips found his hungrily, her need for him pushing all other thoughts away. Castle's fingers pressed into her waist, hauling her against him.

As quickly as she started, it seemed as if he came to his senses. Castle stiffened against her and pulled away; his blue eyes searched her face, looking for a clue to how she was feeling. As if afraid she was going to fall apart.

"Kate."  
"No, Rick. I don't want to talk about it. We're going to be talking about it for the next however many days it takes us to solve Royce's murder. And it's going to be really hard. Right now, I need to just be with you. And feel like me. And be us."

Her arousal shot through her at the truth of her words, her need for Rick almost touchable. For years he had been a constant source of frustration and comfort. He always knew exactly what to say to push her buttons, and then follow it up with the perfect response to make Kate fall for him a little more. These past weeks being with Rick, experiencing a whole new side to him, had done nothing but show Beckett how truly difficult and wonderful it could be to be "romantically linked" to Richard Castle.

Tonight, she needed to feel him. To touch him, to hold him. To let his body comfort her aching heart when his words wouldn't be enough. She'd lost another part of herself tonight, and the only way to keep from slipping down the rabbit hole was being here, steadying herself in Richard Castle.

Kate pulled him through the apartment, her hands fisting in his shirt as their tongues dueled for supremacy. She pulled away long enough to catch her breath, moaning softly as Castle's eyes darkened with desire. He tugged her shirt over her head, his fingers skimming over her exposed skin. Kate panted against his neck, anticipation cause her desire to pool low in her belly. She tugged on his buttons, not caring that she popped them off the shirt. He looked at her in surprise for a moment, his mouth falling opening in a silent 'o'. Beckett grinned wickedly at him, letting herself get lost in her feelings for Castle. She pushed his shirt off his shoulders, nudging him towards the bed. Her lips found his again as she pushed his pants down his legs, her nails grazing his hard flesh. He moaned softly against her ear

"Beckett."

She raised her eyes to him, her eyes flicking between the dark blue pools of lust staring at her, and his kiss swollen lips. She could still see a hint of hesitancy in his gaze, as if afraid she would wake up tomorrow and regret it. Kate moved into him, the lace of her bra scraping his bare chest.

"Castle. We're trusting each other, right? I'm not going to lose myself in his murder. We're partners right? You keep saying you're here and I don't have to go through it alone. Well, I trust that you will be. For all of it. For tonight…"

She pushed his boxers down roughly before cupping him, her teeth scraping his bottom lip before she said bluntly

"For tonight, can we please just…?"

He didn't give her a chance to finish. Castle growled low in his throat before claiming her lips, his teeth nipping at her, causing her to gasp in pleasure. His hands unclasped her bra and he tugged it off her. His touch was electric. His hands kneaded her breasts roughly, using just the right amount of pressure that he had spent weeks committing to memory. His thumbs found her nipples and he teased them until they pebbled under his talented fingers. She helped him out by tugging off her own slacks and panties, already soaked with her arousal. Castle lowered one hand and Kate moaned loudly as his fingers teased her, moving over her slick skin. He found her pulse jumping in her neck, his teeth nipping at the sensitive skin. She gasped in pleasure, her nails pressing into his back as she moaned breathily

"Rick…now."

She pushed him towards the bed and she couldn't stop the giggle that escape as he tumbled haphazardly onto the plush queen size mattress. He breathed out a laugh before reached for her, his body straining to connect with her heat. Beckett straddled him, aligning her body with his as she sank down on him. She groaned loudly as Castle filled her, a physical reminder of how far they had come. His fingers pressed into her hips as she stilled above him, both enjoying the feel of being joined together. She leaned down to kiss him she began to move, her lips asserting her possession of him just as her body was. He pressed his feet into the mattress as he began to match her movements, his need to give Kate what she wanted taking over his desire to make it last. Her movements became erratic as she felt herself teetering dangerously close to the edge, her hand snaking between their bodies to press an expert finger against her sensitive bundle of nerves.

Castle, ever perspective even while making love, shook his head and muttered through grit teeth

"Don't Kate. Not tonight. Just let me."

He rolled them over, and Kate whimpered at the loss of contact as he pulled out of her. Castle dropped his head next to her ear and whispered

"We're in this together, Kate. I'm not going to let you go through this alone."

He raised his head to meet her eyes, and he held her gaze as he thrust back into her. Kate arched off the bed, the pads of her fingers digging into his shoulders. Her eyes fluttered closed in pleasure, but Castle ground out as he pulled his hips away from her again.

"Kate open your eyes."

As her eyes flew to his, Castle pressed back into her. His thrusts were shallow, keeping his body pressed firmly against hers like he knew she needed. Kate wrapped her legs tightly around him, pressing her heels into the back of his legs to shorten his movements. He kissed her harshly, his tongue thrusting against hers matching the rhythm of his hips. Her moan got lost in him as Castle filled her to the hilt, his body and desire for her healing her broken heart like nothing else could.

They moved together, fighting through their feelings. Kate pushed aside her guilt of abandoning Royce and her fear of losing yet another person she loved, holding tight to the one who said he would never leave. She pressed her hips up into his Castle as fingers traced his jaw line, committing to memory the planes of his face. Kate saw in Rick's eyes his desire to be there for her, to make this better any way he knew how. She saw his raw passion for her and his fierce protection instinct. It was overwhelming, their eyes connected as he moved within her.

She bit her lip to keep the truth from tumbling from her, her admission of love springing to her lips almost involuntarily. His tongue teased her lips apart, running along the bite marks she had just indented into her tender flesh. His simple act of reverence sent Kate flying, and she sobbed out

"Oh God, Rick…"

She convulsed around him, her body clenching tightly to hold him deep within her as the waves of pleasure coursed through her. Castle groaned loudly as he followed her, spilling himself inside her. He shivered in her arms as his he rode out his ecstasy; Kate whimpered softly as his breath tickled her neck, sending tremors of delight coursing through her.

With a groan, Castle rolled them over. She made a move to roll off of him, but Castle gripped her waist and whispered against her ear

"Stay here."

Castle held her firmly against him, his breathing labored and his sweat soaked skin sticking to Kate's. She closed her eyes as she listened to the erratic beating of his heart, still racing after their passion. He pressed a kiss to her temple, his fingers dancing along her spine. Kate rose up slightly, whispering as she kissed him gently

"Thank you Rick."  
"For what? You're the one who ambushed me at the door. Not that I'm complaining."

She smiled, always glad to see the ever present wit of Castle was there. She let herself come back to reality slowly, her green eyes clouding over at the idea of investigating Royce's death. She felt Castle shift under her as he noticed the change in her demeanor. His hand increased pressure on her back, as if trying to massage away the throbbing pain of losing Royce. She managed to roll off of him, smiling as he moaned in protest. Kate compromised by keeping her leg draped over him, her head resting his chest and her arm slung over his muscular abs. She tucked her fingers under his back, snuggling as close as she could to him. Castle finally asked in the darkness, his voice wavering slightly with uncertainty

"What's our next move, Kate?"

She took a deep breath and pressed affectionate kisses to his chest, collecting her thoughts as she tasted him. Finally raising her head to meet his eyes, Kate whispered truthfully

"I'm not exactly sure. We'll know more information tomorrow. This one's personal, Castle. I'm not going to hold back. If it means things get dicey I don't want-"  
"Stop talking. Don't even say what I think you're about to say. This isn't just about us being in a relationship Kate. You're my partner. Long before that movie, you were my partner. That hasn't changed just because we're…"

He trailed off, his eyes darting between hers as he searched for the right turn of phrase. Kate pressed her toes into the mattress to close the distance between their lips, their breaths mingling

"You can say it, Castle. In a relationship. Unless you're sleeping with someone else. Which probably wouldn't be the best idea considering I have a gun?"

Castle laughed out loud and shook his head. She let a quick smile meet her eyes before she sobered again. She ran her hand through his hair before admitting

"I don't know what the next step is. But I do know I'll do whatever I have to do to find his killer. And I'm going to go wherever that leads me."

She laid her head back down on his chest, trying to hold true to her words from earlier. She didn't want to deal with this tonight. Seeing Royce dead had been harder than she ever thought possible. She wasn't ready to try and think about investigating his death. She forced her eyes shut, replacing images of Royce's body on the ground with images of Rick's lips teasing her skin, his hands holding her tightly against him. His voice interrupted her pleasant replays.

"You mean wherever it leads us."

She met his eyes and knew that arguing would be futile. He was right-he had been her partner long before she had gone to his apartment that night after Forbidden Planet. There was no getting rid of him. Nodding once, Beckett repeated

"Wherever it leads us."

As she laid back down to try and get some sleep, letting Castle's gifted fingers lull her into relaxation, Kate realized she wasn't just talking about the case. She meant wherever the future lead them. The thought gave her enough strength to fall asleep and face tomorrow.


	10. Chapter 10

Thank you all soooo much for the feedback! It's been such a big motivator to keep writing! Thank you again for reading and taking the time to leave a message!

**AN: I picked certain scenes from "To Love and Die in L.A." It does hop around a bit, but hopefully it makes sense. There's definitely a M rated scene, so just be forewarned. **

* * *

Beckett almost killed someone, and not for self defense.

As they packed up their bags to head back to New York, Castle watched Beckett quietly. Her hands shook slightly as she folded her clothes, her silky curls shielding her face from his view. They still hadn't talked about what had happened under the pier. Castle wondered if they would. Despite her reassurance that he was in this with her, Castle knew there was a part that Kate was keeping from him.

His need to comfort her was too great to ignore. Castle reached out for her, placing his hand on the small of her back. Kate stilled under his touch; he felt more than heard the sigh that fell from her.

"Beckett…"  
"I'm okay, Castle."

He closed his eyes at her resigned tone, realizing her rebuff for what it was. A need to have control. Beckett had almost killed someone in the name of righteousness. She'd almost let her anger win over her moral code. Kate Beckett prided herself on getting justice for the victim. Castle wondered if this would be something they could eventually talk about.

He leaned against the door frame as Kate gathered the rest of her belongings, his watchful eye following her movements, catching tiny details. The way her white tee shirt clung to her body, her jeans hugging her exceptionally long legs. Castle swallowed back a moan as she sunk her teeth into her bottom lip. The deep purple of the covers captured his attention, bringing a small smile to the writer's mouth.

Beckett had loved the room, she told him one night as they lay in bed. Her hand had curled into her chest and the air was weighty with their breathing. At night was when Castle felt the tension leave Kate's body, relaxing against him. As if the weight of the world wasn't crashing down on her anymore. She told him quietly that she was grateful to have him there, even if she had given him a hard time about subtly not being his speciality.

"Hey Castle. You ready to go?"

Her voice brought him back to her. Kate's green eyes darkened slightly under his watchful gaze. Kate held Royce's letter between her hands, turning the paper over and over. Castle could see the crease marks where she had opened it were worn; as if she'd opened it several times. Castle barely caught the shake of her head—she didn't want to talk about the letter. His heart dropped to his stomach, his gut clenching at the thought of another wall he would need to break down. Unable to find his voice for fear of losing her to this, Castle only nodded.

The plane ride was uneventful. Kate opened the letter several times, and Castle stayed quiet each time she set it down. They talked intermittently. At some point he fell asleep, awakening to find Kate's eyes red rimmed from crying. Again, Kate shook her head, just leaning in to kiss him passionately as her response to his silent question asking if she was okay.

As they rode in the taxi from the airport to her apartment, Castle held her hand loosely. Kate's thumb drew small circles on the back of his hand, the simple act comforting him despite her silence. They had broken a lot of rules. They'd crossed some major lines. Castle knew she didn't care.

Castle turned his eyes to Kate, watching her closely as she chewed thoughtfully on her bottom lip. She looked more relaxed than she had the whole time they were in L.A., knowing she could truly move on from Royce's murder. Castle let his mind wander as they rode, thinking back over their more enjoyable time in L.A….

...

Beckett loved every minute of the movie set, despite her insistence that she was there to work Royce's murder. Castle could see it in the way she noticed everything, questioned every nuance of difference from Heat Wave. She muttered under her breath about Natalie Rhodes, and Castle couldn't stop the grin as her jealousy sprang to the surface. Castle tugged on her hand to get her top stop her brisk walk. His hands found her face, cupping her cheeks. Castle stared in her eyes as whispered honestly, needing her to see the truth.

"She's not you."

Beckett's cheeks had flushed crimson; her eyes alight with excitement at his words. Pleasure coursed through him at her happiness. Castle still hadn't gotten used to the idea of Kate Beckett wanting him as much as he wanted her. She finally leaned into him and kissed him gently, her whispered "thank you" mixing with his soft moan. Kate finally stepped away from him, and he immediately missed her warmth. He noticed the shift as Beckett's detective instincts took over and she glanced around the busy set.

"Violet's commercial shoots on Stage 7."

Castle hung back, trying to give her space to work through her emotions of the case. He admired her as Beckett showed her toughness, navigating her way through the set, leaving Castle to handle his business with the movie version of their relationship. When Beckett found him again, saying that she had an address for Violet, she'd leaned into him and whispered against his ear

"Are you ready to see us immortalized on the silver screen, _Rick_?"

Her hand trailed across his abs, teasing the muscles that jumped under her touch. Castle sucked in a breath through clinched teeth, automatically glancing around to see if anyone else had noticed. Kate took his hand and pulled him towards the car, saying as if she read his mind

"No one here knows that we're together. Nor do they care. Come on, let's get going. We've got a murder to solve."

As they made their way back to the Ferrari, Kate kept a firm grip on his hand. Despite the fact that Castle knew Beckett was only half listening to his rattling on about the movie, her mind now focused solely on Royce, Castle couldn't stop the heat the spread through him as she made sure to stay connected to him. He threaded his fingers through hers and squeezed gently, drawing a tight smile from Beckett.

Castle gripped the steering wheel in his free hand, relishing in his chance to drive. As they reached they reached Violet's house, Castle let his eyes roam the expensive neighborhood, noting the cherry red sports car would still make a statement even in the ritzy district.

"Are you sure this is okay?"

The question spilled from him instinctively as he noticed the neighbor looking around. Beckett glanced over her shoulder at him, not wasting her breath on sugarcoating their situation.

"No, it's not okay. It's actually completely illegal."

Well, she had said she would do anything to find Royce's killer.

...

"Picture this."

Castle handed her the drink he'd fixed, Beckett's eyes burning with passion at the idea of building a theory. Castle felt the twinge of desire within him as he sat down beside her, their "thing" once again showing how great they could be together.

"A gullible young actress, desperate to make a name for herself. She meets our mastermind at a club. He needs a pretty girl to help him get the voice code. He tells Violet he's a producer, promises to make her famous if she helps him play a practical joke on a friend."

Castle's eyes followed Kate's hand as she massaged her head through her hair, her voice growing with confidence as she followed his thoughts. Beckett's mind amazed Castle; how quickly she could find the clues within a murder, how effortlessly she moved ahead with her own theories. Castle's smug smile was immediate as he recognized their special brand of foreplay at work. It turned him on to know he could keep up with Beckett, help her solve crimes. They worked so well together. The tension between them physically gave them an edge to push the other to be better, to figure it out faster. Beckett finally spoke up, bringing his attention back to their theory building.

"She doesn't even realize that she's participating in a crime until afterwards. She can't call the cops, so she contacts Royce."  
"But then, our Mr. McCauley finds out."  
"And Royce tries to change the game. He goes to New York; home field advantage. Classic, classic Royce."

Castle heard the hitch in her voice, and he watched the small smile bloom on her face as she thought about her old training partner. Castle loved seeing this side to Kate, the side that shared with him and included him in her past and life. Even the now painful side.

"I was so in awe of him, Castle, when I first met him. I just hung on his every word. And then, later, I realized he was just making up stories to mess with me."

She grew quiet for a second, and Castle felt the change in her. Kate shook her head thoughtfully before admitting

"I can't believe that I'm never going to see him again."

Castle shifted back into the couch, leaning towards Kate. She brought her eyes to him, and Castle couldn't stop the next words from tumbling from him.

"You know what I thought when I first met you?"  
"Mm?"  
"That you were a mystery I was never going to solve."

Kate cocked her head at him, her eyes shifting between his trying to figure out where he was going. Castle smiled softly at her as he continued, hoping she could see the truth behind his words.

"Even now, after spending all this time with you, I'm—I'm still amazed at the depths of your strength, your heart."

Her smile grew at his words, the wonder in her eyes as she grasped how Castle truly felt about her reflecting everything Castle wanted to say. Wanting to keep her smile in place, Castle continued flippantly

"And your hotness."

She dropped her head, a small laugh escaping before she met his eyes again. Castle felt like he could drown in the deep green of her eyes as she stared at him.

"You're not so bad yourself, Castle."

Neither spoke at her admission, the air heavy with the truth of their statements. He saw their relationship flash through her eyes, and he shifted on the couch, instinct causing him to lean towards her. Kate's eyes dropped to his lips, and when she met his eyes again Castle saw the spark of desire darken her eyes to a deep hazel. Castle thought of how far they had come in the past weeks; how easily she accepted his hands on her, his lips marking his desire on her skin. She moved into him, pressing her palms flat against his chest as she whispered

"It's late."

Kate tugged down on her shirt as she stood, as if suddenly self conscious. She moved quietly through the living room. As she reached the door leading to the bedroom, Kate glanced over her shoulder. Her name fell from his lips like a whispered prayer as he watched her, the awe he felt for her rolling through him, setting his nerves on fire. She smiled tenderly at him and Castle caught the glint in her eye as she said softly

"You coming?

...

"I thought you said to be subtle."

Castle pulled her into their suite, his eyes ravishing her. When she'd walked out of that pool wearing _that_¸ it took everything he had not blow their cover. He'd played along long enough go get pictures of the cell phone, and Kate's admission of wanting to kiss him set his skin on fire. Castle's hands now gripped her waist, feeling the water seep from the suit and drip onto the carpet. Beckett's teeth found the sensitive skin protecting his Adam's apple, and he groaned loudly as she nipped at flesh.

"We needed answers."

He pushed her against the wall, his mouth plundering her neck. His hands were frantic, pushing the skin tight swimwear down her enticingly wet skin. Beckett's moan reverberated throughout the room; As soon as he had the pool around her ankles Castle slid his leg between hers. He felt the heat of her against his jean clad thigh, and he growled against her ear as he thrust his pelvis against her

"I need you."

Her hand snaked between them, her quick fingers finding the button and zipper. She tugged his bottom lip into her mouth, biting gently on the tender flesh as Castle's hands left her long enough to push his pants down. Castle hauled her leg against his lip, his lips punishing hers in a bruising kiss as he moved between her. Beckett groaned against him as he pushed inside her, grounding out

"God, Rick. Don't stop. Please."

His fingers dug into the back of her thigh as he thrust into at a demanding pace, imagines of soaking wet Kate Beckett flitting behind Castle's closed eyes spurring him on. He drove her into the wall, bringing her leg to meet the other around his waist. Kate's nails dug into his shoulders and her teeth nipped at his neck, bruising his skin. Castle dropped his gaze and watched as he moved within her, the sight of their joining together pushing Castle to the brink of rapture. He pressed his thumb against her sensitive nerves, his mouth finding hers. She tensed against him and dropped her head to his shoulder, whispering

"Oh Castle…"

Her muscles clinched around him as she came hard. Castle bucked his hips against her as she drew him deeper inside, her climax trigger his own. Castle growled low in his throat as he thrust into her helplessly, the intense pleasure of spilling himself inside Kate causing a primal groan to fall from his lips.

Kate's voice brought his eyes to her. She ran her hand through his hair, pushing the sweat soaked tresses out of his face.

"Guess I can't wear that swimsuit to the Hamptons."

He breathed out a chuckle, carefully lowering her legs back to the carpet. Kate kissed him hotly as he slid out of her, her breath washing over his him. As if they hadn't just had sex up against a wall, Kate stepped away from him and said

"Come on, we need to contact Detective Seeger and tell him what we know."

She kissed him once more before striding to the bathroom, her naked body swaying enticingly (he would swear she did that on purpose.) Sometimes, Kate Beckett confused the hell out of him.

...

Back in New York, in the safety of her apartment, Castle finally broached the subject of their trip.

"Are we ever going to talk about it?"

Kate stilled, the wine bottle hovering over the glasses she was filling. Castle closed the distance between them, his hands finding her waist. She leaned back into him on instinct, her free hand finding his to lace their fingers together.

Castle pressed tender kisses to her neck, remaining quiet. He knew from years of shadowing her not to press Kate, to let her open up in her own time. She finally set the bottle down and turned in his arms, slipping her hands around his waist. Her cherry scent flooded him, and he breathed against her ear

"You smell good."

He felt her smile against his chest, and once again prided himself on getting through Beckett's tough exterior. Without a word, she moved away from him. Castle watched her reflexively as she moved, completely mesmerized. When he saw what she was bringing back with her, Castle waited with bated breath. He swallowed hard as she opened the letter from Royce. She cleared her throat, her green eyes flickering to his once before she read softly.

_"Dear Kate, I bet I've written this letter a hundred times. Someday I might actually send it. There's no excuse for what I did. Especially what I did to you. But I'm on a righteous path now, and I hope someday that path earns me your forgiveness."_

The sob caught in her throat, and Castle's hands found her. He tucked her into his body, helping her the only way he knew how. Castle had always been a word man. He'd always found reassurance in language, and liked to think Kate often turned to his words for times of comfort. He was the "silver lining man" and loved being able to be the one to push Beckett to look past the bleakness of her past and see the possibility for joy. Now words failed him. Kate pulled away from him slightly and brought the letter between them, her voice shaking but sure as she said quietly,

"I can't read all of it yet. I'm not…" she trailed off but Castle nodded. Her sharing at all was a huge step for them; one Castle hadn't thought they would get to. He twirled a strand of hair around his finger as he waited quietly. Castle watched her chest constrict with her breath as she continued.

"_Now for the hard part, kid. It's clear that you and Castle have something real. And you're fighting it. But trust me; putting the job ahead of your heart is a mistake. Risking our hearts is why we're alive. The last thing you want is to look back on your life and wonder if only."_

Castle let Royce's words wash over him. He opened his eyes as Kate's hands found his chest, drawing his attention. She smiled softly up at him, her teeth gleaming in the light as she pulled her lip between them.

"I wish I could have told him where we are. I wish I hadn't turned my back on him, no matter how angry I was. But this letter is why I didn't kill him. I wanted to, and I would have. Except all I could hear was Royce telling me I was better than that. I have to be better than that. For us."

Kate's confession tumbled from her, the weight of investigating Royce's murder pressing in on her. Castle tipped her chin up with his finger, needing to see her eyes. He prayed Kate could read how badly he wanted to fix her, how much he wanted to help her. Finally Castle took a deep breath and pressed his luck, needing to see the happiness he had gotten used to seeing in Beckett again.

"We clearly need to work on your poker face if Royce picked up on your feelings for me."

Beckett swatted at his chest and rolled her eyes, but her smile spoke of her gratefulness for his comedic timing. Mission accomplished.


	11. Chapter 11

Hello all! I am sorry it's taken me so long to update, been a busy week! But, lots of writing today will hopefully lead to a few chapters up sooner rather than later! Here's one, hope you enjoy!

Thank you all so much for reading and reviewing. It means the world. Truly. Thank you again.

Thank you Andrew Marlowe and Castle for letting me write about them on my own terms. :) Enjoy!

**AN**: "Knockout" is such a powerful episode. It's tricky to tackle with Castle and Beckett together. Hopefully I do it a little bit of justice.

* * *

Beckett admitted only to herself that she had been waiting for the other shoe to drop.

She sat solemnly in her chair, arms crossed defensively over her chest, as if she could keep the fear at bay. She saw everything and nothing at the same time. Hal Lockwood's escape alarmed her. They were coming for her, and unless she solved her mother's murder she was powerless to stop it.

Life continued on at the precinct, as if Kate's world hadn't imploded around her. Her arms stung from her nails digging into the skin, evidence of her panic now visible despite her insistence that she was fine. Beckett let her mind replay the last time she had opened her mother's murder, how quickly she had spiraled out of control. Now that Beckett had taken that first drink again, she needed another. Kate leaned back in her seat, her mind lost in thought.

Maybe things had been going too well. Beckett had been thriving at work, and whether she would admit or not that was in large part to Castle. He brought out her playfulness, made her see a side to herself she had long since kept hidden. Beckett had let herself get lost in murder for so long. Working with Castle had shown her just how much she truly enjoyed her job.

Maybe she had let herself get too comfortable in their relationship. It had been easier than Kate had thought it would be, moving forward with Castle. Kate had learned to revel in having his hands on her, his lips claiming hers. Kate's heart leapt with excitement every time she woke in his arms. She shivered with anticipation when his eyes devoured her at the precinct, knowing they were going home together to get tangled up in limbs and sheets. She loved to talk work with him as they curled up on the couch eating Chinese food, glad to see their friendship existed as the foundation for their relationship.

She let her guard down long enough for Castle to break through her walls, and she had prided herself on letting him in. Now, Castle was in danger because of her. Lockwood had already proved it didn't matter who it was-if they were hiding and protecting Beckett they were a liability.

As if her thoughts had conjured him, Castle was suddenly beside her. Beckett watched him with cautious eyes as he sat down warily in his chair. Kate smiled tentatively as he set the coffee cup down in front of her; their small gesture of affection, he had called it the first time she asked him why he brought her coffee.

"Thanks, Castle, but I probably shouldn't-"  
"It's decaf."

Castle's eyebrows shot up as he pushed the cup towards her. Kate swallowed hard; seeing the fear and panic in his eyes was enough to stop her cold. Castle was the collected one out of the two of them, despite his crazy theories. He was always the silver lining, always the voice of reason. Beckett had come to rely on his strength and steadiness.

Kate took in his appearance, her heart breaking as she noticed how hard Lockwood's jailbreak was for him. Castle looked as if he hadn't slept in days; in fairness she knew he hadn't. Beckett could feel him moving at night, his hands and feet finding some part of her skin to keep them connected, to make sure she was still with him. Castle's blue shirt was unbuttoned at the top, per usual. Kate had made the mistake of telling him how much she loved that, seeing just the tiny bit of exposed skin that practically begged for her attention. Now he made it a point to mention it each time she saw him. The fact that Castle was being exceptionally quiet caused Beckett to want to comfort him. Beckett finally leaned towards him, touching his hand softly as she murmured, trying to calm him.

"Rick, I'm okay."  
"The hell you are."

He scoffed and stood, his chair sliding back across the hardwood floor in his haste. Beckett felt the anger rolling off of him, Castle's blue eyes darkening to pools of midnight in his frustration. Kate wanted to reach for him as she noticed his clenched fists in his pockets, but instead she clasped her hands together on her desk, remembering where they were. Kate narrowed her eyes at him, silently asking the questions she wasn't sure she really want to know the answer to. _How do we fix this? What do you want from me? How do I comfort you and still do my job, when it puts me in danger? _The air was thick with apprehension, the world forgotten about as he stared down at her. Finally Castle strode from the bullpen to the break room, sidestepping Ryan and Esposito without a word. Beckett shook her head as she followed Castle, letting the boys know mutely not to pry.

He had his back to her as she entered the break room. Kate took a deep breath, her chest constricting at the thought of causing him pain. Castle's hands gripped the counter so tightly his knuckles were white. His broad back expanded with his deep breaths as he tried to control his emotions.

She could smell his cologne across the room; Kate thought briefly of this morning as they got ready for work, neither knowing how this day would go.

Castle had been grumpy about his meeting at Black Pawn, afraid he would miss something good at the precinct. Kate had rolled her eyes as she got dressed, standing before him clad only in her bra and slacks.

"You actually like writing, remember? You can come play cop as soon as the meeting is over."  
"But I'd rather play cop with you now."

Castle pouted, sticking his bottom lip out. Kate had tugged it into her mouth, nipping lightly as he moved into her. She kissed him passionately, savoring the feel of Castle's body pressed against her. It was blissfully normal.

Castle's voice, shaking with his emotions, brought Kate back to him at the precinct. He glanced over his shoulder at her, his blue eyes tormented.

"Don't tell me you're okay, Kate. I'd like to think I know you better than that."

She heard the anguish in his voice, and instinct pushed her towards him. Kate pressed her cheek against his back, her hands slipping around his waist. Castle's hand found hers, as Kate smiled softly against him as he linked their fingers together. At that moment it didn't matter that they were at work, that no one knew they were together, that they were supposed to be professional. She felt the tension leave his shoulders as she squeezed his hand.

"You're right. I'm not okay. But what can I do, Castle? I can't let it run my life anymore. I have to find this guy, and I have to end it."

He turned in her arms. Castle gripped her firmly, as if afraid she would go away if he didn't keep a tight hold on her. He pressed his face into her hair, saying softly

"I don't know how we win this one, Kate."

She flinched at his words, her anger flaring the resigned tone she heard. Pulling away from him, Beckett questioned

"What does that mean exactly?"

Kate tried to keep her voice calm, wanting to hear him out. Needing to know he wasn't giving up. Castle's eyes grew wide as his fingers dug into her hips, keeping her flush against him even as Beckett tried to pull away.

"I just…I mean…well I…Kate, it's…"  
"What, Castle?"

She pushed off from his chest, finally getting the distance between them that she needed. Beckett pushed her hair out of her face, and she noticed that Castle's eyes followed her movement. She dropped her hand automatically, thinking about their date to Forbidden Planet when Castle had admitted to knowing Kate used that movement to collect her thoughts.

"Castle, they killed my mother. What do you want me to do here?"

She began to pace; Beckett knew she was sliding down the rabbit hole no matter how many times she said she wasn't. Becket had to keep going, had to keep looking for answers.

She only stilled as Castle's hand found hers again. He squeezed it roughly, using enough pressure to draw Kate's attention to him. Unashamed tears filled his eyes as Castle whispered softly

"Walk away. They are going to kill you, Kate. And if you don't care about that….at least think about how it's going to affect the people who love you. You really want to put your dad through that? Put-"

He stopped quickly, his eyes pleading. Beckett clamped down on her lip, her anger dissipating considerably at the terror in Castle's expression. Kate could see he didn't want to push her, but could also see he was holding back. Needing to know what this was for him, what _they_ were, Kate asked directly

"What about you, Rick?"  
"Of course I don't want anything to happen to you. I'm your partner and we're…"

He waved his hand between the two of them, words seemingly not enough to convey what they were. Castle trailed off again, his eyes darting to the break room door as if dying for someone to interrupt them. He finally cleared his throat and turned to face her, shrugging before admitting

"I care about you, Kate. I don't want to see you throw your life away."  
"Last time I checked it was my life."

Castle's eyes hardened, the hurt her words caused him evident. He closed the distance between them and answered angrily

"That's not what your dad seems to think. He came to see me at the loft. Because he's terrified of losing you. You won't listen to anyone Kate. You crawl inside your mother's murder and hide there. And for some reason he thinks I'm the one who can get through to you. So damn it, I'm going to do whatever I can to reach you. And make you see that we might not win this one, Kate. We have to let this one go."

Beckett jerked away from his grasp, her eyes flashing furiously as his words hit her. She blinked back angry tears as she muttered mutinously

"You need to leave."  
"What?"

Beckett recoiled as Castle stepped towards her. She shook her head, moving across the room and opening the door. She knew it was too much. Beckett knew asking him to leave would make Castle worry more, not get her what she wanted. He pursed his lips, shoved his hands into his pockets and rocked back on his heels. HIs voice was dangerously low when he spoke again.

"I'm not going anywhere, Kate. You're going to have to drag me from this building if you think for one second I'm going to leave you alone. I'm your partner, Kate. I'm _with_ you. You're stuck with me. Whether you like it or not. Disagree with me, I don't care. But you're going to have to find a way to work with me."

Beckett gestured with one hand and said angrily, too far gone to care about hurting him.

"You don't think we can win, you have no business being here. I can not do this with you not having my back."

Neither moved; it seemed as if neither of the breathed. Castle stared at her wordlessly, his mouth dropping open slightly as his mind tried to process her words. Beckett's breath was shallow, her anger too much for her to comprehend.

How were they going to get past this? How did she accept him as her boyfriend yet turned him away in times of trouble? Beckett didn't know how to combat her need to avenge her mother and accept Castle's place in her life. Kate couldn't blame Castle for wanting to keep her safe. The truth was she was trying to keep _him_ safe. She needed to know it was over. The only way to do that was to find Hal Lockwood.

"Beckett…"

She closed her eyes tightly at the sound of Ryan's voice, if only to make herself look away from Castle's inquisitive blue ones.

She turned and walked after Ryan, her mind too focused on her fight with Castle to listen to what Ryan was saying. He finally placed a hand on her arm. She closed her eyes and wished for a moment it was Castle calming her down. She turned her gaze to Ryan, noted the worry and confusion that flitted across his features.

"Beckett? You there?"  
"Yeah, sorry, what did you say?"

Esposito stood quietly, the small shake of his head answering her question of if they had found anything. Ryan's spoke up, saying softly

"We've gone through all the reports with Raglan's and McAllister's name on it, and we can't find anyone who would be the third cop. We've got nothing."

He approached the slowly; the sound of his heavy footsteps distracted Beckett from Ryan's words. Beckett cut her eyes to Castle as he leaned against her desk, his focus solely on the murder board in front of them. She cleared her throat to rid it of emotion.

"Check it again."  
"We've checked them 100 times. It's a dead end."  
"Beckett, we want him as bad as you do."

Beckett slammed her hands down on her desk, her eyes glistening with fire. Ryan stepped back at the sight of her rage.

"The hell you do. Nobody wants him as bad as I do, okay, nobody. So check it again!"

She glanced at Castle as he stood, automatically moving to her side. Their fight was a distant memory as his hand found hers. Castle was too invested in this, in _them, _to let her fear and anger win. She knew that. Beckett saw Ryan and Esposito exchange glances, the truth of Castle and Beckett's relationship settling on them quietly. She pulled her hand away from Castle, saying quietly

"We need to talk later. I have to go."

Beckett grabbed a stack of files from her desk and her coat. Castle stepped in her path, his deep voice bringing a fresh wave of tears to Beckett's eyes.

"Kate."  
"Not now, Castle. I can't. Not now."

If they weren't going to help her, she was going to have to solve this one all on her own. For her mother's sake, and for her own.

* * *

Thank you all again for sticking with me! Reviews and thoughts are much appreciated.


	12. Chapter 12

Thank you all so much for taking the time to read, and for those who have left me some great feedback! I appreciate it more than you know! You guys are awesome :)

AN: I couldn't not do this. I don't quite know how it turns out in writing, but its too good of a scene to not try. And to have Beckett and Castle navigating it together. Hope you guys enjoy!

* * *

Beckett had finally fallen asleep.

Castle watched Kate from the doorway, her relaxed presence in bed only slightly calming his racing heart. She was curled around herself, her arms wrapped tightly around her stomach. As if she could stop the blow of grief from descending on her.

Castle could still hear the rattle in Kate's chest from her sobs. Her breath shuddered as she slept, the force of her crying earlier making it difficult for her breathing to relax even as slumber claimed her. The steady rise and fall of her chest drew Castle's attention. His eyes lingered on her longer than necessary; his terror brought about a stillness in Castle he did not often possess. Richard Castle did not get scared a lot, but tonight fear plagued him.

He pulled her bedroom door to, leaving it cracked so he could hear if Kate woke. Sleep would not be possible for Castle. He kept seeing images of Beckett dead in that hanger. It inundated him; his overwhelming nightmare of losing her had come too close to reality tonight.

Castle wandered aimlessly through her apartment, letting his eyes linger on her copy of Heat Wave that graced her coffee table. A small smile tugged at the corner of his mouth as his finger traced the title, imaging Kate reading it. The idea warmed him, despite the chill he couldn't shake.

As he sat down on the couch, his fingers shoved roughly into his hair, Castle hung his head and closed his eyes. He had almost lost her. That knowledge was too painful to bear. Images from tonight burned behind Castle's eyelids. His chest heaved with his silent sobs as he forced himself to walk through the evening again. He needed to see it with better understanding, having now heard Beckett's side of the terrifying evening...

...

Castle flinched when he stepped into the hanger and saw Montgomery pointing a gun at Beckett. He forced himself to remain in the shadow at the sound of the tremor in her voice as Kate begged him for a name, determined to push through her misery at being betrayed.

"You owe me that, Roy."  
"No, Kate, I give you a name, I know you. You'll run straight at him. I might as well shoot you where you stand."  
"That's why you brought me here, isn't it? To kill me?"

Castle grit his teeth as her words rang out clearly through the empty hanger, his body shaking as his fury at Montgomery's deception hit him full force. She was prepared to die, Castle could hear it in her tone. If it meant closure, if it mean safety for others, Kate Beckett had always been willing to die for her cause.

"No, I brought you hear to lure them."  
"You baited them?"

Castle moved closer, swearing Beckett could probably hear his heart hammering loudly even though he was across the room. It was as if suddenly time was standing still and racing forward, all at once.

Castle thought of his brief conversation earlier with Montgomery when the captain had said he had a break in the case, and was calling everyone to meet him at the airport. Since his fight with Beckett Castle had steered clear of the precinct, not knowing what all had unfolded. Now, as he truth settled in around them, Castle knew someone was dying tonight. He prayed with every bit of him it wasn't Kate. He moved into the dim light, his eyes taking in everything.

Kate was closing the distance between her and the captain, her head turned towards the SUV they could just make out in the distance. Castle stepped directly behind Kate, his eyes beseeching Montgomery to tell him what to do, to tell him how to fix this. Montgomery's voice was soft but steady as he said

"And now they're coming. I need you to leave. They are coming to kill _you_ and I'm not going to let them. I'm going to end this."  
"I'm not going anywhere."  
"Oh yes you are. Castle, get her out of here."

She turned, her eyes brown in the soft light. She stared at him and Castle shook his head briefly, knowing Kate's anger would be something he would have to deal with later. Now they had to get out of here. He tried to convince Montgomery not to do this, already knowing the answer.

"Captain…"  
"Don't argue. That's why I called you. Get her out of here, now."

Kate's voice broke as she shook off Castle's hand, her tone betraying her panic and love for the man before her. Castle blinked furiously to keep the tears at bay as she continued.

"Captain, please just listen to me. You don't have to do this."

Castle glanced back at the SUV slowly getting closer, anguish rising in him as he reached for Beckett again.

"Kate…"  
"No! Please, no! Sir, I forgive you." Her voice was thick with her tears as she begged Montgomery to understand. "I forgive you."

Montgomery closed his eyes, and Castle felt Kate tense under his hand. She hadn't shaken him off again, too focused on saving Montgomery to care that Castle was trying to save her.

"This is my spot, Kate. This is where I stand."

She shook her head, her back hunching as she leaned towards Montgomery. Castle bit his lip to keep from begging her to come with him, to let the events unfold as they might. Beckett's tears wrecked him, her agonized voice piercing his heart.

"No…"

Montgomery's voice cut across hers. "Castle."

He barely heard the next few exchanges, his ears picking up the sound of an engine revving in the distance.

"Castle, get her out of here, now!"

Castle hauled her against him, gasping her name as she began to struggle against him.

"Kate!"

He pulled her through the hanger, his breath hot on her back as she resisted his strong arms. Castle only tightened his grip at her grief-stricken cry, his heart echoing her pain.

"No! God, Castle let me go! No!"

He kept going, ignoring the aching blows her heels were causing in his shins as she fought against him.

"No, Castle, no!"

He cried into her black sweater, ignoring her ardent pleas to go back and save her mentor, her friend. Despite what he had done, Castle knew she held no blame to Montgomery. He had done too much good that would absolve him of his sin. He had trained her, molded her. She loved him.

"Rick…please."

They were outside now, the balmy summer air stinging his face where the salty tears had trekked. His name falling from her lips in torment was enough to cause Castle to glance down at his chest, to see if his heart had actually begun to bleed. Her words sliced through him, wracked his body with his own guilt at disregarding her begging. He tried to calm her, his lips finding her ear. He whispered frantically, needing to calm her sobs

"Shhh, shhhh."

Once they reached her cruiser, Castle pressed her firmly between the cold metal of the door and his body. He clamped his hand over her mouth, her tears disappearing under his fingers as her eyes silently begged him to stop, to let her go back. He pressed his forehead against hers and whispered

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry."

Kate's fingers found his face, caressing his cheek gently. Her eyes, a dark storm of emerald, had calmed slightly. His tears mixed with hers as he cried at her ministrations, unafraid to show is relief at getting her out alive.

The gunshots rang out.

Kate pushed him off of her and tore off towards the hanger. Castle could hear her sobs outside, and he already knew what she had found. Roy Montgomery was dead. He followed wordlessly after her, his tears starting anew at the sight of Kate draped over Montgomery's body…

...

"Castle?"

He jerked up, his eyes immediately finding Beckett. She stepped carefully into her living room. Castle swallowed hard as she placed her hands into her pockets, keeping a tight control over her reflexes, her body on the defensive.

She hadn't changed once they had arrived back at her apartment. She was shaking as he had gotten her to bed, and Castle had held her as she cried. She had come to him willingly, her whispered "I'm sorry," washing over him. Kate had molded against him as her tears drenched his shirt, the loss of Montgomery seeping through her every pore it seemed. She radiated sorrow. He had held her tightly against him until her breathing evened out, and even then hadn't let her go. His fingers dug into her back, keeping her pressed firmly against him. Kate was here. Kate was alive.

Castle tentatively met her eyes. Kate's green ones were red-rimmed and swollen from her tears, and Castle's sigh shook with his hurting.

"How long was I asleep?"  
"An hour at most. I couldn't sleep. I kept replaying-"  
"I know."

He stood slowly as she crossed the room, coming to a stop right in front of him. She leaned into him, pressing her face against his chest. Castle breathed into her hair, trying to find the right words for her.

"Yesterday, I was out of line. I know that. The truth is…I'm the one who is scared."

Kate raised her eyes to his, her green eyes inquisitive. Castle slid his hand under her sweater, his hand seeking out her warm skin. Reminding himself that she was alive. That she was here. She leaned into him, her fingers skimming over his back. He let himself get lost in her touch for a moment.

"I know your mother's murder isn't something I understand. I know that I have no right to tell you how to handle it. But I do know that I can't handle losing you, Kate. You're too much a part of me. You're too much _in_ me."

Kate sighed against him, her breath gliding over him. He raised a hand to her heart, feeling it beat steady under his fingers. Her voice was scratchy, sleep and tears causing a roughness to seep into her words.

"I'm sorry, Rick. For our fight. For pulling away from you and being reckless. I was just trying to end it. But I won't apologize for trying to keep you safe. I will never apologize for wanting you around, and needing to know you're okay. Now that you're around me, you're in danger. And I just…"

Castle felt the shudder race through her, heard the strangled sob get caught in her throat. She touched his cheek gently, reminding Castle of how just a few hours earlier she had conveyed her emotions through the same gesture.

Castle closed his eyes as her fingers traced the planes of his face. He stilled as she touched the small scar above his eye that he had yet to tell her about, their present and future too interesting to flood her with stories of the past. Her thumb traced his lips, and Castle pressed a tender kiss to the pad. Her hands memorized every inch of him, taking her time in exploring him. Now, Kate pressed her face into his neck, her lips trailing wet kisses over his skin. She finally breathed, her words imprinting in his skin as well as his heart.

"We're okay, Rick."

Her hands tightened on his face, her eyes seeking out his. Castle saw the steely resolve he felt reflected back at him, her eyes alight with intensity. Kate had come so far in a few weeks, putting more faith in their relationship that either of them truly believed possible. She was determined to hold on to that.

Kate rose up on her toes and kissed him. Her lips ghosted over Castle's, a simple gesture of asking for forgiveness. She fisted his shirt in her hands, her breath mingling with his when she pulled back slightly. Castle pressed his forehead against hers and whispered solemnly

"I'm so sorry, Kate. I'm so sorry for Montgomery. I know how much he meant to you."

She flinched at his words but maintained eye contact. Castle knew she wasn't ready to face the truth of it all. That now, they truly were at a dead end in her mother's case. All viable links had been severed. The news would be too much for right now with the weight of grief. Still, Castle felt his words bubbling up, his need to give her something to hold on to—something to believe in—pushing him to make what he hoped weren't false promises.

"We're going to find this guy behind all of this, Kate. I promise. I'm not going anywhere."

Kate leaned into him again, her hands sliding around his waist. She kissed him again, this time pouring her grief and sadness into Castle, letting him share the burden. He sighed deeply as he heard Kate exhale the same promise into his skin.

"I'm not going anywhere."


	13. Chapter 13

Thank you all so much for reading, reviewing, for your favorites and follows. You guys have made all this possible. Especially this chapter. Thank you all again. Any thought, comments, ideas are always welcome, and I appreciate all types of constructive criticism-I have so much to learn, and you guys are the most valuable teachers :)

AN: Definitely AU, since Castle and Beckett are together at this point, Josh is completely gone. Immediate aftermath after arriving at the hospital. I apologize for the angst. Sort of. It's necessary. Thank you all for sticking with me!

* * *

_"Stay with me, Kate. Don't leave me, please. Stay with me, okay? Kate, I love you. I love you, Kate."_

Castle words reverberated through his head as he scrubbed tirelessly at _her_ blood on his hands. Castle flinched as more sluiced off, a crimson river that was a stark contrast to the white marble of the bathroom sink.

He ignored the gentle knocking on the door, leaving the rest of the world outside. Castle had finally pried himself out of Alexis' arms under the pretense of needing to get cleaned up. He could barely comprehend his own horror; he would be unable to share in their "immediate families," as Kate had call their small rag-tag team of detectives and friends the other day. The fear was too paralyzing.

Kate had been standing right next to him. She had even looked at him as she spoke of Montgomery, her soft green eyes saying all the words they had yet to verbalize about their relationship.

Kate said that the best anyone could hope for was to find someone willing to stand with them. In that moment, her gaze finding his, Castle had known that Kate Beckett was in love with him. He had made himself glance away from her as the rush of emotion assaulted him. Castle wanted to haul her off the podium, take her someplace safe. He needed her know he would protect her at all costs, would die for her.

Then he saw the reflection of the sun in the distance. The memory haunted him.

He heard the gunshot echo in his mind as he raised his eyes to the mirror. The man staring back at him was broken, a shell of Richard Castle.

His blue eyes were wide, shock evident in the stormy azure gaze. His hair was mussed from his fingers that had tugged at the short brown locks, needing to grasp something to keep his grip on reality. His pale face matched Beckett's, all the color draining from him as he felt the blood ooze from her body. He flinched as instead of his reflection, Castle's vivid mind replayed Kate falling to the ground, the sound of her gargled breathing piercing him over and over again.

Castle hadn't been fast enough. He glanced down at where the bullet would have hit him had he covered Beckett in enough time, almost wishing he could see his own dark blood flowing from his chest.

Beckett had been shot.

Kate was _dying_.

He had finally told her he loved her.

The weight of his grief pressed down on him, knocking him to his knees. Silent tears rolled down his cheeks, him powerless to stop the terror that swept through him, consumed him.

He couldn't breathe. Castle loosened the knot in his tie, pulling the black silk over his head while his free hand unbuttoned the top button on his shirt. A memory from the other day at the precinct flashed through him as Castle threw his tie across the small room.

"_You do that to torture me, don't you? Leave your shirt unbuttoned like that."  
_"_It's only fair, you walk around in this ridiculously well tailored suits. Knowing what's underneath? You're lucky I can keep my hands off you, Detective." _

The sound of Kate's laughter flooded him. He let himself get lost in that sound. Castle needed to picture her alive, and healthy, and simply _Kate. _Castle took deep breaths, mimicking the way Kate breathed at night in bed. _Breathe with me Kate. Deep, steady, breaths. Just breathe with me, _Castle begged her silently, praying she could hear him through their "shared brain thing" as Lanie called it.

Unable to think about her lying on a cold operating table with a doctor's hand shoved into her open chest cavity, digging out a bullet, Castle let vivid images of Kate surge through his mind.

On nights when Nikki Heat drew his attention away from her doppelganger, (which didn't happen frequently, he would proudly admit) Castle would find Beckett already asleep by the time sleep beckoned him. Castle felt at night was when he learned the most about Kate, small intimate details he craved to learn more of. She always slept with her left leg pulled up, her knee almost pressed against her stomach. One hand was slid under her pillow; the other always found his side of the bed. A contented smile usually graced her lips. Castle would smile as she moved slightly, shifting towards the middle of the bed. The few times he hadn't let himself be drawn in by her naked presence in bed, Richard would often come back later to find Beckett had claimed his pillow. Her scent was imbedded in pillow; it lingered there and comforted him on nights they spent apart.

One of his favorite things to do was crawl into bed beside her and let his fingers trace her skin. Castle frequently skimmed words of love and adoration over her bare back, knowing eventually the words would fall from his lips as easily as he could finger paint them into her skin. He would snuggle against her, the heat of her seeping into his whole being. Castle's fingers would dance along her thighs, reveling in the softness of her. As he reached over her to turn out the light, Kate's hand would always find his as he let it slide over her. Kate would press his hand against her stomach and link their fingers together, and he would breathe in her delicious scent as he drifted off into a blissful sleep.

Now she was far away from him, fighting for her life. His mind flashed back to Lanie pressing on Beckett's chest, trying to impede the blood flow from Kate. _Come on Kate. Don't you die on me. Stay with me, Kate. Stay with me. You do not die. _He shook his head, not ready to confront images of a lifeless Beckett again.

Castle closed his eyes and he pictured them at the loft, tangled up in the sheets, Kate's lips and teeth marking his skin. He thought about the feel of her holding him, her fingers now expertly finding the spots that made Castle ache for more. He saw Beckett pacing in his office as she worked out a murder in the middle of the night, some piece of evidence striking her from a dead sleep. Castle saw Kate cooking her in kitchen, her bottom lip snagged between her teeth as she concentrated on their dinner. He saw her studying him across the precinct, her eyes narrowed as he spun some wild theory. A forced chuckle escaped as Castle pictured the eye roll that would immediately follow.

"Kate's been shot. And I put her in the crosshairs."

The words, though whispered, boomed in the confined space. Castle's eyes welled with his admission, the truth burning a hole his in heart. His guilt scar would be nothing compared to the scar Kate would carry with her. If she survived.

He didn't know if merely minutes or hours passed before another knock sounded on the door, this one more insistent. Castle didn't move, frozen in panic. He couldn't hear that she was dead.

"Rick?"

The voice was strained, heartbroken. Castle took a deep breath as Jim Beckett pushed open the door. Beckett's dad stood stoic against the door, his tie loosened down his chest. Castle pushed off the floor, hating himself for taking Jim's extended helping hand. He was supposed to be strong for Jim, for Kate.

"I'm sorry, Jim. I'm so sorry. This is all my fault."

"Stop. That's not true. You know that, and she knows that. Eventually the truth would have caught up to her, and Katie wouldn't have been able to reel herself in. You kept her from falling off the deep end, Rick. This here? It's bigger than you. They would have found her anyways. I would have lost her a long time ago if it wasn't for you. Don't think for one second this is your fault."

Castle stared into the elder Beckett's eyes, noting they held the same traces of brown as Kate's. She had inherited her father's eyes and overwhelming sense of humility. Castle thought briefly of Beckett's absolute forgiveness of Montgomery, how easily the words had fallen from her. Castle felt the same sense of wonderment at her father's words, marveling at how Kate's father was the one offering words of forgiveness, of gratefulness. Jim clapped a hand on Castle's shoulder, saying softly

"Right now your family needs you. You know Katie better than anyone. You need to come out here."

Jim practically pulled him from the bathroom, not letting him hide with his guilt and memories anymore. Alexis barreled into his chest, hiding her face in his neck.  
"Daddy…" She never called him Daddy anymore. Castle held her close to steady his breathing, letting her flowery scent waft over him before he whispered

"She's okay. She's okay."

Alexis' tears slid down his neck under the collar of his shirt, wetting his collarbone. He felt his little girl's fear over knowing he could have been shot radiating through her. Castle met his mother's eyes. Martha's pain reflected his own; her fear was for Castle and for Kate, knowing Castle would not survive losing Beckett. Ryan was pacing down the hall, his cell phone trapped between his shoulder and ear as he rattled off what type of gun the sniper had used. Castle picked up bits and pieces of the conversation as he began to pace a similar hole in the floor.

"Castle."

Castle barely glanced up as Lanie shoved a cup in his shaking hands. He nodded wordlessly, averting his eyes from the steaming cup of coffee she gave him to avoid seeing Kate's dried blood. The strong scent of hospital coffee plagued Castle, made him ache with need for Kate. To see her smiling face as he set a cup of coffee down on her desk. To hear the small sigh of approval as she took that first sip. To watch her eyes light up as she thanked him, to feel her hand brush against thigh as she leaned into him, her breath whispering across his neck.

_Stay with me, Kate. I love you. Stay with me. _

His words became a chant in his mind, the rhythm of his murmured prayers matching the beating of his heart. He willed Kate's to beat in sync with his. They were so connected in every way. Her heart had to beat with his. It had to.

Why had he waited so long to tell her he loved her? For weeks they had been together, the truth of their attraction out in the open. He hadn't wanted to scare her, had wanted her to be comfortable in this new phase of their relationship. Castle should have whispered it as they laid in bed, her head on his chest as they slowly came back to earth off their high of making love. He should have shouted across the street as Beckett left to go to work on days he needed to write. He should have sent her text messages with the three simple words, not caring that she would call him sappy. He should have breathed the words into her mouth as he kissed her, his lips confirming the truth of it. What if he didn't get a chance to tell her again? Castle couldn't accept that, had to believe he would get another chance.

The boys left to go to the precinct. Castle understood their drive, their need to solve this. The longer they waited, the further away Beckett's shooter slipped. They had promised to call with any news. Esposito had barely taken a step towards him before Castle shot him down, unable to not be at the hospital when news came in of Kate's condition. Castle heard the murmurs of their friends as they sought to comfort each other, but Castle punished himself with his guilt. He shook his head every time one of them approached, his eyes only softening for Alexis'. He saw the shadow that passed through her eyes each time he glanced at her, her shock of almost losing her father obvious.

"Alexis, I'm okay."  
"You were almost shot today, Dad. That could have been you. Actually, it would have been you if you had been a split second sooner."  
"But I wasn't."

Alexis shoved off from the wall, her blue eyes ablaze with anger. Castle recoiled slightly as she spit her words at him.

"You don't get it, do you Dad? It's hard enough to know that Beckett's lying in there and she could die. To know her death would destroy you. To know it could have been you? It's time you stop playing cop, Dad. It's time you start remembering you're a writer."

Castle closed his eyes as she stormed off, his guilt swallowing her rage effortlessly. She was right, of course. Castle had earned her wrath, had kept toeing the line of dangerous for long he had come to fancy himself invincible. He should go after her. Alexis needed him. How could he leave Beckett? Alexis' anger slid through the cracks of his pain. He moved to follow her, feeling the ache claw at his chest at disappointing his daughter while following his heart. Martha's voice of reason cut through his thoughts.

"I'll go, Richard. You need to be here. Katherine needs you."  
"Mr. Beckett."

Four heads turned in unison, Alexis' meltdown taking a backseat at the sight of the doctor. Castle felt Martha's hand slide in his, her nails digging into his flesh keeping him standing upright. The doctor removed his scrub cap as Jim's timid voice spoke up.

"Yes?"  
"She's out of surgery. It was touch and go for a minute. But she's going to be okay."

_She's going to be okay. _The world righted itself with those five words. Castle felt his heart pump furiously against his chest, blood flowing steadily once more through his veins just as Beckett's did. In sync. Like always. She was alive.


	14. Chapter 14

Thank you guys for your patience. I've been re-reading this chapter and hopefully it goes as well as I'd like it to. I figured it's better to get it out there and get some critiques and some constructive criticism on it rather than keep sitting on it when I haven't changed anything. Castle's chapter with Beckett is up next (hopefully tomorrow I will be getting it up here) and that one has also been a bit of a struggle. Beckett in the hospital was a tough one to tackle.

Thank you guys for reading. It means the world.

* * *

_Beep. Beep. Beep._

Beckett's eyes startled open, the haze clouding her eyes and mind. Kate heard the steady beeping of an alarm and batted away at the annoying sound. Why was her chest on fire? What happened to her side to cause so much pain?

_Stay with me, Kate. _

She reached for Castle, craving his presence. Why was he asking her to stay? They barely spent a night apart anymore; of course she was going to stay. The bed was cold, different as she let her hand slide over the sheets. She just wanted to sleep. Why did she hurt so much?

"She's waking up. Try talking to her."

_I love you, Kate. _

Kate turned her head to the side, trying to find the voice she could just make out. Castle's voice was still filling her mind, clouding her thoughts. A warm familiar hand held hers loosely. Why were her eyes taking so long to focus? Where was she? What the hell had happened?

"Katie. Katie, I'm right here. You're okay."  
"Dad?"

Her voice cracked with pain and non-use. Kate blinked up at the blurry image, the harsh lights hurting her eyes. As Jim's face swam before her eyes, his features slowly coming into focus, Beckett leaned towards him. Fire ripped through her chest, knocking the breath out of her. She fell back on the bed, and with sudden clarity the truth found her.

She had been shot. At Montgomery's funeral.

_Castle. _

Her mind conjured up an image of Rick, the last one she saw clearly. His horrified eyes were a deep indigo compared to the bright blue of the summer sky. She felt the weight of him as he covered her in the cemetery as if it were happening now. Where was he? Was he hurt? She stayed still, but her eyes searched the room frantically. She gripped her father's hand as tight as she could, her partner's name slipping from her in panic.

"Castle?"

"He's okay. He's in the waiting room. They'll only let me in right now. You…"  
Jim's voice broke, and Kate's eyes found her dad's again. Tears flowed freely down his face as he studied her, Jim's eyes taking in every bit of her it seemed. Kate pushed the pain aside long enough to ask

"What happened when…?"

The doctor approached them, pressing down on Kate's shoulder to try and keep her still. Her eyes shifted between her father's plaintive features and the doctor's steely gaze.

"Detective Beckett. My name is Dr. Kovaks. I performed your surgery. Can you tell me what you remember?"

Kate blinked wordlessly up at him, trying to remember details what happened.  
She had been giving her eulogy for Captain Montgomery.

"_And in the end, the best you can hope for is to find a place to make your stand. And if you're very lucky, you find someone willing to stand with you."_

The fire roared through her again as she raised a hand and pressed it against her bandaged chest. The bullet had pierced her, doubling her over in pain and shock. Castle had knocked her to the ground, just not in time. The panic that had settled over the cemetery resounded in her mind. Kate's vision had dulled, her eyes focused solely on Castle. He had cradled her to his body, his breath washing over her face as darkness began to claim her. His soft pleas echoed in her heart now, kept the blood pumping furiously through her veins.

_Stay with me, Kate. I love you._

As his words wove around her heart, the unbearable burn she felt from the bullet and her surgeries dulled slightly. She let his words heal her, just has she had for years. Kate recalled when he once asked how big of a fan she was. Beckett knew the truth would eventually come out—that she had turned to his books for comfort after her mother died. She could already see the brilliant smile that would light up Castle's face at her admission. Kate would have to follow it up with how much Castle made her better in every way now, their partnership keeping her sane and whole.

A gentle cough brought her back to the present. Beckett drew as deep of a breath as she could, fighting through the nausea that besieged her. The words took effort.

"Yeah. I remember I was shot."  
"We got the bullet out, and we were able to stop the bleeding. You did go into cardiac arrest Detective. We lost you for a minute."

Beckett let the feelings and smells and sounds overwhelm her. The stark white of the hospital hurt her eyes. The scent of blood flooded her. She could smell it as if it still flowed freely from her wound, like it had when it had painted the grass red.

She had died. Her heart had actually stopped working; the life had drained out of her. Tears leaked from Kate's eyes as she realized how close to death she had come. She heard the doctor ask if she was in pain; the stubborn shake of her head was immediate. Kate accepted the pain.

She had walked right into the lion's den. She had known the consequences and had casually cast them aside. The scars left behind would be reminders of her recklessness. Kate knew the something had to give. Her fear of never finding her mother's murderer had been eclipsed by the fear of losing Castle. _I need to be more than this. There's too much in the future at stake to get lost in the past._ The simple truth washed over Kate, simultaneously causing her heart to break and soar at the same time.

The gentle shutting of the hospital door invaded Kate's thoughts. The doctor was gone, leaving her alone with her father. Jim's eyes were focused on the monitor showing Kate's vitals, visually seeing the life beat within her. Kate took in his haggard appearance, hating the worry lines she saw etched on his still youthful face.

Her dad's soft voice, still shaking slightly from his worry, sliced through her. Kate closed her eyes as she heard the sadness; It reminded her too much of when they had lost her mother.

"Katie?"

Jim had already lost so much. He deserved more than that. Kate closed her eyes tightly as she whispered, the apology on the tip of her tongue.

"Dad..."  
"Don't you start the apologizing stuff too. You couldn't have known this would happen. You're alive. That's all I care about."  
"But if I hadn't gone looking for…"

The words died on her lips as she wrestled with the truth. Kate didn't know how to apologize to her dad for trying to find her mother's murderer, no matter how much she realized she needed to choose the future over the past. Beckett had been so driven by her grief for so long, so determined to appease their small family's sense of sorrow. The feeling of moving on and not being able to give her father the closure they had searched for so elusively for years seemed wrong. Still, her father always seemed to be the voice of reason.

"Katie, sometimes we just have to accept things the way they are. I spent a lot of time fighting the past and lost a lot more in the process. It's time we just recognize this is where we are. And that we may never understand. As for apologizing, between you and Rick…"

Kate's eyes filled with tears at the mention of his name. She felt them trickle down her cheek as she asked quietly

"How is he?"

Jim squeezed her shoulder gently, his fingers digging softly into her skin. She knew he needed to be touching her, needed to know she was still with him. Her father finally admitted soothingly

"He's a little better. It wasn't easy out there waiting for news."

Kate breathed harshly as she pictured Castle, fear sending him into a tizzy. She could picture him, stone faced and distant as his mind spun wild images of her dying. He'd had her blood stain him, scar him. She could practically hear Castle repeating his admission from the cemetery, willing her to hear them and let them help her. Kate knew she would have been doing the same thing if he'd been the one lying here.

Now, Kate said the words out loud to her father even as Castle's voice sounded in her mind.

"He told me he loved me."

Jim's soft smile accompanied a knowing nod. He said without reservation, both of them already knowing the truth without the words actually being needed.

"He's been pacing the floor since they got you here. He wouldn't leave, even as the guys went to go get started on the case. I think he's about ready to break down the door now to see you. He needs to know you're alive. To see you with his own eyes. He may not have picked the best time to say it, but fear does things to a person. You may not be ready to accept it, but Rick does love you."

She glanced down at the bed, her hands clenched at her sides. Kate admitted her fears, whispering them to her father and the empty room.

"What if it changes things, Dad? We've been through so much and we finally got it together and now I'm…Dad, I died in his arms. How can he ever look at us, at me, the same? How can we do this, knowing that dying is a real possibility?"

Kate hated the insecurity she could hear seeping into her words. She hated more the idea of Castle not wanting her anymore; the knowledge that he would realize he'd had enough, that the risk wasn't worth the reward anymore. Jim pressed a soft kiss to her forehead, just has he had when she was a child and needed comforting. The simple gesture had tears stinging her eyes.

"Ask him, Katie. Don't give up on him before you ask. Don't hide behind those walls. I know them well, and there's nothing on the other side. Don't let yourself get lost in that. Give Rick a chance to explain, and let him tell you if it's too much."

The truth of his words comforted her. She let herself sink back into the uncomfortable bed as best she could as she felt sleep tugging at her. Kate wished she could feel Castle's arms sliding around her, holding her close as he did at night when they fell asleep. She was so tired. Kate let sleep pull her under, letting her father's soft hand on her arm lull her. As she drifted off, Beckett whispered the truth she had keep hidden for years.

"I love him too, Dad."


	15. Chapter 15

Castle and Beckett see each other and talk for the first time after her shooting. How I wish things had gone between Castle and Beckett (although season 4 is my favorite?) I think the secrets were necessary for what the show wanted to do. For my poor hopeless romantic heart, I wanted them together sooner. Especially when Beckett knew how Castle felt.

Thank you all so much for taking the time to read and review.

* * *

Flowers.

The sweet, wonderful scent greeted Beckett as she slowly awoke. They were lilies. Her favorite. The morphine had now run its course and caused Beckett to fight through the waves of pain that assaulted her; the fragrant aroma from the flowers was a calming contrast.

She finally shifted uncomfortably on the tiny bed, wishing she was hunkered down in Castle's fluffy blankets with him. Would they get back to that? Lazy Sunday mornings in bed together before work, Rick's hands caressing her softly as his lips teased the pulse jumping in her neck.

_I love you, Kate. _ Her dreams had been filled with the simple declaration, and it still caught her off guard. Castle had said he loved her. What if he had just said it out of fear of never seeing her again?

Kate finally forced herself to take a deep breath, wincing painfully as her wounds throbbed. The hospital room was cold and unforgiving. Still, something was different.

Beckett knew the change in the room even before she opened her eyes. Castle was here. The room somehow felt safer. Warmer. Familiar. She could _feel_ Castle. He had brought the flowers, she knew instinctively. Kate's mind and heart reach out for him, even as she pushed through the murky haze that again accompanied her waking. His name escaped from her on a breath, the familiarity of his surname rolling off her tongue easing her aches slightly.

"Castle?"

Her hazel eyes opened slowly, adjusting to the semi-darkness and the overwhelming pain that inundated her. Beckett turned her head, her green eyes finding Castle's soft blue ones. His eyes were red-rimmed and held a hint of surprise, as if he couldn't believe he was seeing her. They stared at each other, neither moving. It was as if time stood still for them. He was here. She smiled softly and finally asked, needing to hear his voice to believe he was actually with her.

"How long have you been here?"  
"Your dad came and got me a few hours ago. He…he told them I was family. I didn't want to wake you, I just needed to see you."

Castle reached tentatively for her hand, his fingers brushing hers tenderly. She caught his fingers between hers, linking their hands together. A simple sign of acknowledgment. That not all was lost. That she was alive. A broken sob escaped before Castle could catch it. Kate saw the sweet relief that flooded him, his eyes never wavering from her face.

The silence stretched as she took in his appearance. The black suit Castle still wore was wrinkled, his hair spiked up from where his head had been resting on the bed next to her arm. His large hand held hers loosely, his thumb tracing small circles on the back of her slightly chilled hand. She finally whispered, knowing Castle was waiting for her to start, letting her set the tone of the conversation.

"You're staring. I must look terrible."

Castle shook his head, a small smile tugging at the corner of his mouth. Beckett felt relief sweep through her as he shook his head, the tension deflated slightly by the easiness of their banter. His fingers tightened on her hand slightly, reminding her of his closeness. Castle leaned towards her, saying bluntly

"No I just never thought I'd see you again."

His brokenness would stay with her long after her physical wounds were gone, Kate knew. His torment of grief and guilt would need to be worked through, just as her injuries would. Castle's tears were warm as they fell on her arm as he pressed his forehead against her shoulder, saying into the flimsy material of the hospital gown

"I watched you die. In the ambulance."

Kate heard the plain truth of the statement, the anguish behind his words. They were quiet as both processed the truth of his words. He hadn't left her, had practically tried to jump in front of a bullet for her. He stayed with her through the terrible moment of seeing her life leave her body. Castle had clung to the belief even when hope seemed lost they she would be okay, that she would live. The weight of his love for her awed Kate.

The truth tumbled from her, needing Castle to know that she heard him. She pushed down the fear that had crept up; that things had changed, that they wouldn't be able to overcome the harsh realities that had found them. Kate said quietly with conviction, unable to hide behind the past anymore.

"I heard you, Castle. At the cemetery. After everything. And I just…I love you."

Castle raised his head as her powerful proclamation filled the room. Kate bit her bottom lip as she nodded, sharing only with him the minor details that had haunted her fitful dreams as she had tried to sleep. She tried to paint the picture she had lived, knowing Castle's vast knowledge of fanciful language would do it more justice.

"I-I remember the shot knocking me down. The pain was awful. I remember you covering me, pressing your hands to my chest. I kept thinking if I could just hold onto you, I'd be okay. We'd been through so much before and we'd come through unscathed so many times. But you were scared. More scared than I've ever seen you. I heard you saying stay with you. Don't leave you. I heard you say I love you. And that's the last thing I remember. And it was the first thing I thought of when I woke up. I just need you to know. I love you too."

Castle blew out a deep breath as she trailed off. Kate ignored the steady dull ache that she had come to expect from her incisions. He cleared his throat and said softly, his eyes shifting from hers to her chest where the bullet had entered her. Each time Castle met her eyes, she saw what he had seen at the cemetery—her falling to the ground.

"I hadn't exactly planned on it, Kate. It just sort of happened. But Kate it wasn't because…I didn't... "

He trailed off, as seemingly at a loss. Castle glanced down shyly as he struggled with his words. Kate smiled as the ease of their relationship found them; she had frequently raged on him since they started dating about how he could be a bestselling author but struggle to find words around her. She soaked in the moment, feeling the heaviness of their conversation diffuse slightly around them.

"Kate, I love you."

Four ordinary words breathed new life into her. Kate's heart quickened as Castle leaned into her; his lips brushed hers softly as he whispered again "I love you." The emotions swept through her, igniting her desire for Castle. He kissed her knowingly while being careful not to push, giving her time to test out how she felt. Like he always had. As Castle deepened the kiss, his lips a little more insistent, Kate got lost in the feeling of him, letting memories of before with Rick engulf her.

The first time Castle had kissed her, and the knowledge of how he felt encompassing her even then. The night they had gone to see Forbidden Planet, and she'd finally let herself fall into her feelings for him. His hands on her as they made love the first time—strong and secure. The weeks they had spent together, moving into the comfort zone of being together. The coffee he had brought her every day. His lips dancing across her skin at night, waking her up to discuss some random fact about their latest case. Castle had already told her he loved her a thousand times without words.

The steady beeping of the machine helped Kate regulate her breathing as he pulled back slightly. As she opened her eyes, Beckett slowly let reality settle back in. She blinked furiously as she tried to ask him where he stood, knowing that their living nightmare could happen again. That at any given point, they could lose each other. She had spent too many years not telling him, not letting him in. _Don't hide behind the walls. _Her dad's voice gave her a shot of confidence.

"Castle, with what we do I get it if this changes things…"

She moved too quickly, her need to be near him again causing her to forget that less than 24 hour ago she had been shot. As she tried to sit up, her punctured skin stretched excruciatingly. Kate took a deep breath as a ripple of pain passed through her. Fire burned through her chest, growing stronger as she tried to breathe through it. Castle automatically leaned towards her, panic evident in his voice.

"Are you okay?"

She bit her bottom lip as she tried to push the hurting aside; she needed to get through this, get through to him. Her silence stretched. She could see the alarm etched on Castle's face as he leaned over the hospital bed. His fingers fumbled as he tried to find the call button.

"I'm calling for a nurse."  
"No."

Beckett forced the word through her stuttering breath. She wasn't ready for the moment to end, wasn't ready for the real world to take their newfound admission away from her. Kate's body revolted against her heart and mind, determined to remind her that she and Castle were going to be facing bigger problems.

Castle froze, his eyes colliding with hers. She saw her pain reflected back, his eyes darkening with agony at being unable to help her. Kate finally let out a strangled sob, the pain bombarding her more than she could handle. She pressed her head back into the pillow as she admitted devastatingly, almost ashamed to say the words out loud even if warranted

"Rick, it hurts so much."

He pressed the call button for the nurse before he pressed his forehead against hers. Castle's breath mixed with hers as he breathed against her

"Hold on, Kate. It's going to be okay. I'm right here, okay? I'm not going anywhere."

Kate's tears fell silently as she gripped his hand, relief flooding her as he stood strongly by her side. He wasn't going to leave her. He pressed his lips against her ear and whispered

"Breathe through it with me, Kate. Steady breaths. Stay with me."

Castle pressed her hand against his heart; she forced herself to breathe in time with the steady beating under her fingers. She barely heard the nurses as they came into the room. She focused solely on breathing with Castle, his deep breaths keeping her from being wrapped up in the pain.

"Sir, we need-"  
"Don't leave."

Her whispered plea caught his ears alone. He stared at her as the rare hint of need sprang from Beckett's lips. Castle's blue eyes blazed with fiery passion, his fingers tightening uncomfortably against hers. He wasn't going anywhere.

The nurse began to ask her questions. Castle rattled of what happened for her as Beckett clenched her teeth against the fire still burning through her chest. Castle met her eyes again, actually rolling his eyes at the nurse. Even through her pain, Kate gave him a weak smile; Castle picked up where Beckett had left off. Kate kept her eyes locked on Castle's even as the nurse pumped much needed pain medication into her system. She whispered again, needing him to hear the words one more time.

"I love you Rick."

Castle leaned down and kissed her again softly, his voice soft but sure as he whispered to her

"Kate, listen to me. It doesn't change anything. I'm not going anywhere. We're going to get through this together, okay. I love you. I'm right here. Always."

She kept her eyes focused on his face, watching as he slowly relaxed along with her, as long as she could before the powerful sedatives pulled her into a pain-free sleep. Castle was with her, beside her. He would still there when she woke up and they would recover together.

Castle's words, _their word¸_ healed Kate's injury plagued body more than the medicine ever could.


	16. Chapter 16

Hello all! Sorry again for the long delay, this one took some figuring out, because we all know that Beckett hides for 3 months rather than let Castle help her. But that's why they call it AU-I can change the story around! So I did, and I certainly hope you enjoy :)

A/N: It's sappy. Not even gonna lie. But damn it, I want Castle to know what he truly means to Beckett.

Reviews and thoughts are always much appreciated :) thank you for all your wonderful feedback, and for the great words of encouragement. It truly has been a pleasure to write.

* * *

Castle parked the car, whistling under his breath as he took in the elegant rustic cabin. He could see why Jim wanted Beckett to come here to recover from her shooting. The seclusion seemed peaceful, not overwhelming. The sun glistened off the lake, bathing the woods in radiant light.

He hadn't seen her in three weeks. Being this close to Kate warmed him, filled him with a sense of purpose again. He also felt the fainted hint of butterflies, his nerves over seeing her after the recent revelations of "I love yous," apparent.

Beckett had mentioned the idea of him coming to the cabin one night in the hospital as they had shared a pint of ice cream.

_I'm going to go stay at my dad's cabin for a bit. I don't think I can be in the city and not work, Castle. But…what if you came with me? You could write. You could bring Alexis. It's beautiful in Maine in the summer. _

Castle could still remember the bashful way Kate had looked up at him through her eyelashes, as though she hadn't told him the day before that she loved him. He could still hear her whisper the words to him, and he'd silently breathed a sigh of relief at her hesitant question, both Beckett and Castle still unsure how to be "in love" with each other.

As they'd wheeled her to the car once she was cleared to leave the hospital, Beckett had quietly asked him if it would be okay if she got settled in at the cabin before he came and visited. Castle thought she meant a few days.

He missed her.

Castle had frequently called Jim's phone, playing the odds of calling at night for an update. He didn't want Beckett to think he was going against her wishes, but the knowledge that she was hurt and he wasn't there was killing him.

Kate slept a lot, her body still recovering from shock and injury, according to Jim. She didn't ask any questions about the case, though Castle gave a nightly update on what they knew. Unfortunately, it wasn't much. They were chasing ghosts. The new captain had pulled them off the investigation once more fresh murders were coming in and the leads they had been running down were coming up empty.

When he wasn't at the precinct, Castle spent countless hours holed up in his office. The tension with Alexis and Gina breathing down his neck about his late chapters had him trying to write. With his muse hours away, however, Castle had only managed to stare at the blinking cursor that seemed to be mocking him. He often found himself going to find Alexis, only to find himself stopped outside her door without knocking.

Alexis had barely waited for an update on Beckett's condition before stating she was going to be spending the summer in the Hamptons with some girlfriends. In the three weeks since Beckett's shooting, father and daughter had barely spoken. The day before she left to go the Hamptons, Alexis had found him in his office, staring blankly at his computer screen as he had been for hours. He tried to apologize, but his ever astute daughter quickly cut him off. _I'm the one who needs to apologize, Dad. I know you love Beckett. You wouldn't be you if you didn't try to save her. But she's not the only one who needs you around, Dad. _Castle had promised to be more understanding, a little less reckless. Since she left, they had spoken more freely and allowed the distance and time to heal their fractured relationship.

But the truth was, his life now always came back to _her_.

Castle had never felt more relief when Beckett had finally called. Her voice had been a breath of fresh air, soft and delicate against his storm of emotions. Beckett didn't say much, just asked if he was up for coming to the cabin. He couldn't have packed fast enough.

Now, Castle pushed open the door of the cabin, calling out softly to her. Emptiness greeted him, a small sense of sadness over not seeing Kate immediately dropping into the pit of his stomach. Castle set his bag down by the front door, his eyes searching for anything that would tell him where she was.

There were two coffee cups on the table, a newspaper lying between them. Her favorite sweater, a soft green material she had gotten for Christmas last year, was hanging up by the front door. A duffle bag was packed, sitting by the couch as if waiting for the owner to pick it up on the way out.

He stopped short when he saw three of his books lying on the coffee table. In a Hail of Bullets and Hell Hath No Fury looked to be the most read, the well worn dog-eared pages contrasting Beckett's insistence that she "wasn't a fan." He picked up Hell Hath No Fury, smiling as he thought of Beckett curled up on her couch with a glass of her favorite red wine, soaking in his words. A small shiver of excitement raced through him; Castle's mind flashed back to the first case they had worked together. Who knew he would fall in love with a 'deranged fan.' He flipped idly through the pages, stopping at the ones that were marked for later reading. He chuckled as he read some of the words, imagining Beckett rolling her eyes. He could picture it so clearly. Castle was already looking around the cabin again as he set the book back down.

He needed to see her.

Castle called her name again as he stepped out into the mild summer air, letting the sun bathe his face in warmth before trekking around the cabin. He followed the winding path to the lake, taking in his surroundings. It was so peaceful, easy to get lost in the simplicity.

That's when he saw her. Castle found himself rooted to the spot. The beauty of the nature around him was _nothing_ compared to Kate.

Beckett was walking with Jim, her hands shoved into the pockets of an oversized coat she wore. Her hair was pulled back into a messy ponytail, loose tendrils framing her face. She had gotten some sun while they had been apart, he could see that even from the distance. Kate was pointing at something across the lake. Castle watched as they interacted, completely caught up with each other and their surroundings. Castle closed his eyes as he heard her soft laugh echo through the trees. _Kate_.

Reality came crashing back as Castle saw Beckett stop and take a sharp breath, pressing a hand to her side as she leaned into her father. Castle quickly walked the well worn path to her, calling out to her.

"Kate!"

Her eyes found him. Kate's smile was slow, blossoming over her face as she took a step towards him. Castle sucked in a breath as she nibbled on her bottom lip, her green eyes vibrant as her smile reached her eyes. She looked so good; she looked like his Kate.

Beckett finally stepped into his arms, breathing into his neck, calming his anxious nerves. He heard the small quiver in her voice, his heart lurching against his chest.

"I'm really glad you're here."

The world fell away as he held her. Castle felt the steady rise and fall of her chest against his; her breath tickled his sensitive skin as she buried her face into his neck. His hands memorized the soft curves of her body, delighting in the simple fact of holding her again. It didn't matter that Jim might be standing there, watching them. New York and the case became a distant memory as he let himself get wrapped up in her. She broke the spell by stepping back slightly, raising her face to meet his eyes briefly. Castle kept his eyes trained on her face even as she glanced around.

"Dad must have gone inside."

Castle murmured his agreement, too focused on Kate to really notice his surroundings. His eyes memorized her features, as if seeing her again for the first time. The small flecks of brown that mingled with the lively green of her eyes. The slight tilt of her chin, the stubbornness always a part of her. The freckles that sprinkled her cheeks, confirming her time in the sun. Castle raised a hand and pushed her hair behind her ear, smiling as she closed her eyes and leaned into him. She finally whispered, her voice breaking slightly

"I'm sorry I kept you away I just-"

Castle cut her off with a kiss. His lips molded against hers, and he felt Kate's body relax into him. He raised his hands to cup her face as he deepened the kiss, granting the forgiveness she was seeking without words. Her small moan found his ears as she nipped at his bottom lip. How he could live off that sound. His tongue teased her lips apart, slowly increasing his pressure. He took his time exploring her mouth, his tongue lazily colliding with hers.

Without warning, Kate broke the kiss abruptly, panting as she pressed her forehead against his chest. He felt the tension creep into her back as his fingers danced along her spine. She pressed her free hand to her side. Castle barely heard her whispered words, but couldn't miss the frustrated tone.

"I'm sorry; sometimes the scars pull a little."

Her words tugged at him, reminded him once again of why they were escaping the city. Castle's hand found hers and he squeezed gently, saying against the top of her head.

"Do you want to go inside?"  
"No, but I probably should. I'm only supposed to do light physical activity. Dad was actually taking me back to the house."

Kate leaned into him as they walked slowly back to the cabin. Castle dug his fingers into her hips to keep her flush against him, extremely conscious of the thin long scar that ran the length of her torso. He asked how her therapy was going; she asked how Alexis was enjoying her time in the Hamptons. Neither mentioned her shooting. Every few steps Castle felt her flex her fingers in his hand, her grip tightening for a moment before relaxing. Kate kept him grounded with the simple movement.

Jim met them at the car; the duffle bag Castle had seen previously dangling by his side. He extended his hand to Castle and said softly

"It's good to see you, Rick. I think it'll be good for Katie too."

Castle smiled softly down at her, his eyes shining as he said truthfully

"It's good for me too, sir."  
"I need to get back to the city. Katie, call if you need me. Rick, the store isn't far, if you guys need anything. How long are you going to be staying?"

Castle took his time in answering, almost afraid to say too much. He had in fact planned on staying the summer if Beckett would let him. He didn't want to push the idea on her, especially knowing her recovery was slow going. Beckett moved into him, her hand sliding under his tee shirt. Her warmth gave him the confidence to say what he wanted.

"I think I'm going to stay the summer. Get some writing in. Alexis is gone and I'm really not needed in the city for a while. I'll be able to take Kate wherever she needs or wants to go, no problem. I'll take care of her, Jim."

She pressed her fingers into his back, silently agreeing with his plans. It thrilled Castle to know he would get to spend the summer with her, helping her recover, learning even more about her.

Jim walked them back inside after depositing his duffle bag in the car, asking Beckett for the third time if she was sure it was okay he left. Castle heard the nervousness in his voice, saw the trepidation in Jim's eyes. He'd already come too close to losing Kate. Castle watched their father/daughter interaction with fresh eyes, understanding Jim's worries. Alexis had basically been shouting the same thing at him for weeks. The stark reality of recent danger brought a whole new set of fear to their immediate families.

"Thanks, Dad. I love you."  
"I love you too. Take care, Rick."

The two men shook hands again, Castle taking the time to squeeze the elder Beckett's hand in a quiet reassurance that he would do just that—take care of Kate. She walked across the living room and stood by the couch as her dad headed out, her hand resting lightly on the back of the well worn leather sofa. Castle barely heard the door close behind Jim, too focused on Kate to care.

They stood across the room from each other, their eyes held in a lingering gaze as Castle eventually heard the gravel crunch under Jim's tires. Her teeth sunk into her lip, turning the pale pink skin white. Unable to keep from touching her, Castle was across the room in an instant. Castle's breath mingled with hers as he whispered tenderly

"I've missed you."

She pressed up on her toes to kiss him, hesitatingly for the briefest of moments. The ease of their relationship "before" took focus; allowed Castle to fully delve into her. He nipped lightly at her lips, teasing her knowingly. She leaned into him, her body moving against his instinctively. Castle groaned low in his throat and made himself pull back, giving both of them a chance to catch their breath.

Kate's emotions passed liked shadows through her eyes, drawing Castle's attention. He noticed the weariness of her recovery, the tiredness with which she moved. Her face had become slight flushed, the realization that they would get to be together again filling the room. He was every bit as ready to hold her as she was to be in his arms, though both knowing things were different.

Beckett finally pressed her hands flat against his broad chest; Castle watched as she drew small patterns with her index finger, her eyes now riveted to her ministrations. She must have felt the pounding of his heart; Castle caught sight of the slight smile that tugged at the corner of her mouth. Beckett sighed heavily and admitted quietly, the truth no longer needed to be denied.

"I've missed you so much. I just needed to figure out a system. It's been a long few weeks. And I've still got a long way to go. It's going to be hard to be here sometimes, Rick. And I just want you to know I don't mean anything-"

"Kate, stop. You...you were shot."

He forced the word out, hating the sharp sound of the word coming out of his mouth. Beckett stilled in his arms. Castle wondered if it was the first time Kate had heard the word out loud since she had left the hospital. He pressed a soft kiss to the top of her head, saying in a quiet reassuring voice

"We'll work through whatever comes up. I'll do whatever you need me to do. Just don't shut me out."

She pressed her face into his shirt; Castle felt the sigh she exhaled seep into the fabric. Finally, Kate raised her head, her green eyes shining with unshed tears. She wasn't one to cry, Castle knew. If anything he would be the soft one of the two.

"I want to…show you something."

She tugged him to the couch, collapsing against him, the physical exertion almost too much for her. Still, Kate reached for the books that littered the coffee table, her fingers tracing the title of In a Hail of Bullets. Castle watched her wordlessly, allowing the contemplative nature of Beckett to set the pace of the conversation. Without meeting his eyes, Beckett spoke.

"When my mom died, I didn't think I'd ever get through it. I was 19, completely lost without her. When I got home that summer from college, already knowing my plan would be to leave Stanford and become a cop, I threw myself into getting all of her stuff out of the tiny apartment we lived in. I was cleaning out her office one day and found this."

She set the book down on Castle's leg, her hand holding it steady against his thigh. Castle's hand closed around her, knowing now was the time to stay quiet. His pulse seemed to thunder in his ears. Beckett sniffed before continuing, her voice unbelievably calm.

"I read this book in two days. I couldn't put it down. I must have read this book about 50 times by the time I started the academy. I'd finish it and try to pick up another novel, only to find myself coming back to this one. I lost myself in the pages, pushed aside the grief long enough to find happiness somewhere in the words. Right before I left, you were having a book signing at that small little bookstore on 5th and Lex."

It had been the only time Castle had signed books at the local bookstore that had since gone out of business. When his novels took off, Castle's agent kept him mostly in the franchise stores. He vaguely remembered the book signing, mostly remembering the several different ways he had practiced signing his name so as to find the right "style." Kate's voice brought Castle back to her, at the cabin. It was shy, completely un-Beckett like.

"I stood in line for an hour. In the freezing cold. But I had to meet the man that saved my life, whose books got me through my mother's death. I knew I had to bring them here, let the words heal me again."

She opened the front cover of the book; Castle's eyes dropped down to his own sloppy handwriting. It was nothing more than his signature, barely legible. Yet it had changed a life. Her life.

They had met before. Long before their first case together.

Castle swallowed the lump in his throat as he replayed her words in his mind. _The man that saved my life. _She gripped his hand tightly, drawing his eyes back to her. He finally said truthfully, unable to keep from uttering the words that had threatened to burst from him the moment he saw her again.

"I love you, Kate."

Beckett's eyes lit up, her grin mirroring his own as she accepted his words without hesitation. He moved closer to her, needing to feel her against him as she replied.

"I know I have a tendency to hold back. And not say how I feel. But you saved me long before you tried to push me out of the way of a bullet. I love you too. I need you to know that."

The words fell easily from Kate, a simple declarative that set Castle's pulse racing. She loved him. That knowledge still surprised Castle.

He touched where he had written his name years ago on the page, his fingers tracing the simple black lettering. Castle finally pushed the book aside, content to know their pasts lead him to the present version of Kate Beckett.

He had three months to show her she was more than worth the wait.


End file.
